Monday, October 24, 2011

'Tis hard to teach a fat dog healthy tricks.

I went rollerblading last week in the beautiful farm country that surrounds Madison.  On this oh-so-crisp fall day,  I got on the amazingly smooth path and flew.  I thought I was blading so fast because of my newly rotated wheels, but I found out 30 minutes later it was definitely the gusty wind at my back.  When I turned around to head back, I could hardly move.  Standing 6'4" on blades and weighing roughly 208.6 lbs (where has all the progress gone?!), I may be the least aerodynamic woman in the world.  Rollerblading in the wind felt nearly impossible.  At one point I was so exhausted I just turned around and let the wind push me... the powerful gusts would've pushed me as far as I wanted to go, but I soon did an about-face after deciding I'd just have further windy blading to go upon turning around.   

As I slowly bladed home, I realized how much blading in the wind is like my Pledge of Glory efforts.  When I first began the Pledge, I was incredibly well behaved (in terms of my diet) and totally on board (in terms of my work out routine).  The results were desirable and came on quickly.  Much like rollerblading with the wind at your back, The Pledge of Glory was fun and even enjoyable.  But the wind won't always be at your back, and you'll eventually have to turn around. 

The week following the 2 month anniversary of the Pledge of Glory (Oct. 9-16) was that turn-around point for me.  For whatever reason, I let myself drink (and not in moderation) three times at the beginning of that week.  And every night I got a little buzzed, I deemed it necessary to also stuff myself with late-night, slightly drunken food.... three nights in a row.  By Thursday of that week, The Pledge of Glory had gotten so difficult for me I decided to take a break from it all together.  Knowing that everybody and my sister (literally) would be coming to Madison to take part in copious eating and drinking that coming weekend, I decided it was as good a time as any to take a Pledge-vacation.  I was completely exhausted from rollerblading into the wind, so I decided to turn around and let the gusts push me.  And lord, can it be fun to let the wind take you!

But like I said earlier, when the wind's at your back and your just coasting along, you'll eventually come to your senses.... at some point you'll realize that the further you let the wind take you, the further you'll have to blade into  it upon turning around.  You have to get home eventually, so the sooner you turn around the better.  For the Pledge of Glory, "home" is my 40 lb goal.  I have to get there eventually, so what's the sense in letting the wind take me further in the wrong direction?

So while the Pledge-vaction was fun and much needed, when Monday, October 17th came along I was ready to hop back on the GAGA-wagon.  It was like I was starting the Pledge all over again... I still feel incredibly back on board and so re-commited.  My eating habits are back on track, and the exercise portion of the Pledge is as consistent as it's ever been. With my Pledge-vacation I'd even taken a break from blogging, but I'm now back with a vengeance!  Once you woman-up and decide to face the wind, you will get some of that momentum back.

I have been between 206 and 210 pounds since the beginning of October.  After getting fed up with rollerblading into the wind, I'm back at it.  I haven't forgotten about The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge, and I'm still convinced I can get under 200 by that glorious holiday.   Perhaps it's a steap goal, but I'm shooting for the stars and hoping to at least land among them.  When I get discouraged (and I do... especially when the scale read 208.6lbs yesterday), I remember how good I feel about my increasingly svelte self.  In fact, I went shopping last night with my friend Morgan and had a blast.  Morgan now works at the Buckle, of all places, and I let her bring me pair of jeans, after pair of jeans, after pair of jeans.  Prior to this little shopping excursion, I was convinced that store had nothing for people my size.  But they do, and a once tyring and painful experience was no longer such an emotional process.  Here's to hitting a plateau and still feeling good about the Pledge!   

And here's hoping I'll be able to get into bars in my Judas inspired GAGA-ween costume!  I'll literally be wearing boy-short panties over my fishnets... so hopefully this is viewed as "appropriate" attire.  I mean, GAGA goes everywhere pant-less.  Why can't I?!

"I say if you got it, flaunt it.  You gotta show off that bunt cake!" --  a cow from one of those California milk commercials I hate so much... nevertheless, some very wise words! 

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics. 

Jackie

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

And so, we celebrate.

Yes, I am celebrating many things this week.  First and foremost, I celebrated my first National Coming Out Day as an openly gay woman.  Here's to the amazing people in my life who love me just as much as ever... many of whom pretended to act surprised when I came out to them, and others who responded with a "Well, duh." or "It's about time."  Whatever your reaction, I thank each and every one of you for your loving support.  While this is slightly overdue (both my coming out and the matter I'm about to address), I continue to celebrate the engagement of my sister Kassie and her beloved Sasha.  No, she's not marrying a drag queen... Sasha is allegedly the Russian equivalent of the name Alexander.  Here's to their highly anticipated hippie wedding!  And Sasha, we're so pleased to welcome someone like you, who makes Kassie so very happy, into our family.  And last, but certainly not least, I'm celebrating the two month anniversary of The Pledge of Glory!!!  These two months of (relatively) healthy eating and GAGAcising have truly paid off... roughly 60 days ago I weighed in at a whopping 221.6 lbs.  The last time I stepped on a scale, however, I'm proud to say it read 206.3 lbs!  That's a total of 15.3 lbs shed!!! I can't tell you how good it feels to finally button that pair of jeans I haven't worn since high school and to have my work pants literally falling off my ass.  And hey, not suffering through bi-daily diarrhea episodes is pretty damn nice too.

I think I'll take this joyous moment, this the day after National Coming Out Day, to tell my coming out story.  Again, I refer to my official coming out as the day I told my parents. Who knows, if it weren't for The Rainbow Air Purifying and Vacuum System I may still be a closeted lesbo.

It all began the last weekend in June.  I had just been hired to sell The Rainbow, and my boss had given me $50 to drive home and practice the" informercial" on those I love and feel most comfortable around.  This also happened to be the weekend of Minneapolis Pride, so I had every intention of killing two birds with one stone (note, no birds were actually harmed in my coming out process).  I sat my mother down and began giving her the little spiel.  Things were going releatively smoothly, until I began getting calls and texts from my beloved cousin Erik and my dear friend Monique... you see, I was planning to go to Pride with Erik on either Friday or Saturday and spend time with Monique and our friend Shane the other night.  But I was freaking out about which day would be better for which, and my mother just couldn't understand my predicament.  I mean, she knew I was going to Minneapolis to visit Cousin Erik, but she had no idea we'd be partaking in the Pride festivities.  And that's exactly why I was freaking out...I was so concerned about concealing the actual reason I was going to Minneapolis and ultimately concealing my sexual identity.  So I said to myself, "Jackie, just come out with it.  Be honest with your mother." 

So I abruptly stopped The Rainbow presentation to come out to my mother, saying, "Ok, Mom. I have something more important to tell you.  I don't exactly identify as a lesbian... I consider myself a bisexual.  Well, let me put it this way. On a scale from 1, being very straight, to 6, being very gay, I'm a 4.85."  To which she responded, "Oh my word, Jackie."  I've decided this was her way of pretending to be surprised... after all, I dreamt of being the first female NFL player as a child.  Anyway, we talked the matter over for a few minutes and my dad finally walked in on the conversation.  I said, "Dad, did you hear what we're talking about?"  He said no.   "Well, I just told Mom I'm gay or bi or whatever."  He literally chuckled and hugged me.  It wasn't until this moment that I got upset... I just felt like he didn't take such a monumental announcement very seriously.  But my mother explained his reaction was merely nervous laughter, and all was well.  Leave it to Mom to make this delicate situation comical... she ended the conversation saying, "You know, they say when you have daughters that sons will come later... maybe not!"  I guess the whole ordeal was already pretty comical... after all, I came out to my parents when trying to sell them a $2,000 Rainbow vacuum.

Here's hoping The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge will go a little better from here on out... I haven't exactly upped my game since signing on to this mini-pledge, and dropping 10 lbs by Thanksgiving is not gonna be easy!  But, it's a new day and a new opportunity to kick some Pledge of Glory ass! 

"Gay people are only as cool as their rebelious straight middle sisters."  -- the newly engaged Kassie Hauser

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge!

Oh, lord...The Pledge of Glory has been a real challenge lately.  Not so much the exercising part, but the whole eating, shall we say, "responsibly" part.  This week was supposed to mark the revitalization of The Pledge, but something possesed me to visit Paul Bunyan's Cook Shanty in Wisconsin Dells.  And that something, was my dear friend Hillary... she's moving to Florida, so I thought she should have an awesomely cheesey Wisconsin send-off.  But unless you aspire to be yet another morbidly obese American, you should probably never go to the Cook Shanty.  I didn't know that Paul Bunyan's would serve up an all-you-can-eat, family style breakfast feast of Thanksgiving proportions when I suggested it, but I should've guessed it.  Needless to say, I embraced my inner Paula Bunyan and feasted.  The only sign of The Pledge was when I cut my homemade doughnut in half... Soon enough, however, I was helping myself to seconds of biscuits and gravy, fried potatoes, sausage links and pancakes that rival even those of Randy's Family Restaurant.  But heck, we had a damn good time, and although I walked away perhaps three pounds heavier, I also left the proud owner of a t-shirt that reads "nuthin' like a good s'moregasm." 

Speaking of that awesome t-shirt, well, I just couldn't wait to put it on...so I disappeared to the side of the building where I thought I was semi-hidden and could quickly slip it on.  Of course, right as I was shirtless, this frickin' 4 year old boy peaked around the corner and got more than he bargained for.  He's likely been wondering since why that strange boy was wearing a bra, and I would venture to say he had nigthmares about it last night.

Of all days to visit Paul Bunyan's Gluton Shanty, I chose to do so the day after I signed on to The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge.  So what exactly is The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge?  Well, The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge is really quite self explanatory.  My sisters and I have each pledged to lose 10lbs by Thanksgiving... hense the name, The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge.  If my calculations are correct and The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge goes as planned, I'll weigh in at just under 200lbs by that glorious holiday.  What a momentus occasion it will be and all thanks to this pledge within a pledge known as The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge!  I don't think I've been under 200lbs since those 2 weeks in eigth grade when I was uncharacteristically skinny. Anyway, if you've been looking for a little motivation to lose some weight, why not sign on to The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge yourself?!  My new friend and fellow co-worker Melissa is already on board for The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge.  Why not you?! Unless, of course, you're already a skinny bitch and have little to no weight to lose...  In that case, forego The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge and just try out some GAGAerobics for the hell of it!  Speaking of which, I promise to post a GAGAerobics video very soon so y'all can see how it's done (and also laugh at the ridiculocity of it all). 

Here's hoping the male hotel guests can keep their composure around me... first they compliment my Danny Zukko hair...then they're calling me "a tall drink of water."  Not exactly my target audience, but hey, gotta love the ego-boost.  And, of course, here's to The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge!!!  I'd love to hear if you plan to take the challenge yourself!

"I am the one who got myself fat, who did all the eating.  So I had to take full responsibility for it." -- Kirstie Alley

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie