Thursday, April 12, 2012

Reboot Days 9 & 10 -- The Final Hour

Well, I began blogging last night at work and got as far as this silly title -- "Reboot Day Freakin' 9 - There's Light(ly Battered Cheese curds) at the End of the Tunnel!!!!" I thought it was hilarious last night, but I've since come to my senses.  Unfortunately, there shan't be any lightly battered cheese curds in my near future.  After depriving myself of pert' near everything these past 10 days, I'm hypothesizing the absence of either gluten or dairy is what's doing WONDERS for my normally highly irregular bowels... and I'm assuming it's dairy :( Damn!  I practically live on full-fat cottage cheese when I'm chewing!  Guess I'll have to turn such habits into occassional treats... Well, I before I swear off my daily cottage cheese routine, I'll do a little investigating.  I'll spend a few days avoiding dairy, followed by a few days avoiding gluten. I'll survey my observations and determine whether my days of curds and whey are officially numbered.  The 8-year-old Jackie who ordered this dairy delight at practically every restaurant she visited is crying a slow, singler tear. 

But on the bright side of things, today marks our LAST DAY of this 10 day fruit and veggie cleanse!!!  Who woulda thunk this once 220 lb food addict would ever give up chewing for seven whole days?!  Much less her beloved booze.  Surprisingly enough, I've missed booze very little throughout this ordeal.  One of the best things about this cleanse was it's ability to prove just how much of a food addict I really am.  Forget the booze, I can't seem to get my reunion with guacamole out of this head!  Nor can I rid myself of thoughts of the Pancake Cafe!  You'd be shocked by how much time I've spent day-dreaming about guacamole, pancakes and also hummas throughout this ordeal!  I guess there are far unhealthier things to crave (well, maybe this isn't as true after adding pancakes to the list).  Nevertheless, no human should waste this much brain power fantasizing about the seemingly endless ways one can eat the aforementioned items!  My food addiction was also painfully obvious during my lunch and/or dinner breaks at work.  When stressed at the hotel, I often retreat to the break-room and attempt to eat the stress away.  I had always known that I was a stress-eater, but until the cleanse I hadn't realized just how intense my longing for these comfort foods was... I had never denied myself of them.  At least not to the extent of total deprivation. Here's hoping having to resist these cravings throughout the cleanse will help me deal with them (in a healthy manner) in the future!

While my Juice-Mama is dying to take a shot of whiskey when midnight strikes, I'm trying to figure out how to have guacamole on hand at the show we're going to.  I think I'll just have to settle for an avacodo... Imma eat it like an apple, and it'll be gone in 38 seconds!  Not sure how it'll taste with that whiskey I'll also be drinking! 

Here's hoping I last these final seven hours... In terms of my hunger and INTENSE LONGING TO EAT, today has honestly been the worst.  Being so close (yet so very far) is pissing me off :)

“The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.” ~ Andy Rooney

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie

Monday, April 9, 2012

Reboot Day 7 - The End is Near!

Today marks the 7th day of our Reboot challenge!  Sure, it's only Day 4 of strictly juicing, but how many of you can say you've gone that long without chewing?!  That's what I thought... Anyway, we've got three days of juicing to go, and I can honestly say I've never had such an intense craving for a hotdog bun!  I saw them in the break room tonight while  pouring my dinner. Sure, I'm dying for a stack of pancakes and a stuffed-crust pizza mounded with veggies, but I sadly crave these items with great intensity on the regular.  Well, that's all time allows for tonight... I'll delve into the "magician poops" I suffered yesterday after concluding the blog raving about what I thought was newfound bowel regularity!   

Here's hoping I don't eat the aforementioned items to the point of virtual drunkenness when the cleanse concludes Thursday! I'd like to think the following quote proves I'm not on a "diet."

“The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor.” ~ Unknown

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Day 6 - Happy Easter!

Well... If I can't be in the presence of my family on this lovely Easter Sunday, I suppose work is the next best place to be.  Right?  Negatory.  I've spent virtually every Easter I can remember in Bloomington with my favorite cousins (except last year, of course, when I was in freakin' Italy).  So relatively speaking, work is probably the last place I'd rather be.  Especially due to the very grandiose buffet currently sprawling throughout the entire hotel lobby.  I don't know what I did to deserve this, but staring at the buffet all day is a virtual hell for a food addict like me!  Hahaha I'm obviously being a little dramatic here, but it is quite torturous on some level.  And while it pains me to admit it, I suppose being absent from the family Easter celebration is the slightest blessing in disguise... at least for the sake of this cleanse.  Here's what Mother Ellen had to say in an email about the pending Easter menu: 

"I’m sure Aunt Jean’s busy gathering her recipe for escalloped pineapple, and she has a new plan for the roasted asparagus!! Aunt Mary is gathering ingredients for cheesy potatoes and…..  Me, well I’m memorizing the sticky bun recipe and deciding which bars to make.  Decisions, decisions!! (Guess with your cleansing, Jackie, you couldn’t enjoy much of these goodies anyway!!)"

Well put, Mother. Although, if I were at Easter with y'all, it's quite likely I would've ejnoyed all of those goodies... at the expense of the cleanse :S  Especially if you decided to make your Kit Kat Bars, which aren't quite as famous as your Skotcharoos but definitely more delicious!  Superman is to krypotinite as cleansing-Jackie is to Mom's Kit Kat Bars.

Well, I almost hesitate to share how much weight I've "lost" since beginning the cleanse. I write "lost," because I'm well aware the weight one "loses" when solely juicing is likely to come back upon eating "normally."  I want to reiterate that I'm not doing this cleanse with the intent of losing weight (naturally, it will happen... especially when someone drinks and eats out as much as I was again).  I will re-quote Joe Cross's website, http://www.jointhereboot.com/ , because it defines the Reboot and articulates even my intentions better than I can...

"A Reboot is a period of time in which a person commits to eating or drinking only fresh fruits and vegetables. Reboot is not a diet, it is a time for the body to reset, cleanse and take in all those vital nutrients Mother Nature intended for us. The Reboot Program allows you to take control of your diet, improve your health and wellness... The goal is to help you break a cycle of unhealthy eating, or simply enhance the quality of your diet by increasing your intake of fruits and vegetables."

So, how much weight have I "lost"?!  Well, the morning of Day 1 I weighed 199 lbs exactly. Keep in mind I had my period at this time, so that could've skewed the scale upwards of five pounds.  Anyway, this morning I weighed in at 187.4 lbs!  Bahahaha it's a little insane, and I know it could largely be water-weight.  Nevertheless, it's still fun to see the scale down to that sum... the lowest weight I'd previously seen during The Pledge was 187.6 lbs (this may or may not have occured the morning after some fairly heavy drinking, so I was quite dehydrated).  Anywhozits, I just hope y'all don't think I'm on some crazy crash-diet... I assure you, my body's loving the cleanse.  The lack of either gluten or dairy is doing wonders for my weak stomach and bowels :)  I'm well aware that sustaining a diet of strictly juices is simply not realistic, and I would never want to do that.  Post-cleanse, however, I will certainly try to maintain a heavily raw diet.  Wouldn't we all in a perfect world?!      

Here's hoping y'all are enjoying this beautiful day with friends or family.  As for me, I'll be done with work and reuinted with my Juice Mama before I know it!  If I can't be with my family on Easter (or chew, for that matter), at least I'll be with Kelly!

“I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.” -- The Dolly Parton 

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics. 

Jackie

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Reboot Days 4 & 5 - Who Needs to Chew?!

Cheesey but true, my motto for the first two of seven strictly juicing days is, "Who needs to chew, when I've got you?!"  I am, of course, referring to my special friend and "Juice Mama" Ms. Kelly.  Somehow I managed to get these first two chew-free days off from work,  so Kelly and I have been able to do all of our juicing together.  This is absolutely fantastic for my sake, as I might find all of the juicing and organization (you know, prepping cleanse-approved meals/drinks for work, picking out juice recipes, gathering the proper supplies, etc, etc) the most difficult part of this whole ordeal. 

We've also been able to do our "I'm-so-freakin'-sleepy-from-this-detox" lounging together.  Today has entailed watching several episodes of United States of Tara,  my first episode of The L Word (I know, I know... what kind of lesbian is just delving into this show now?!), some other movie involving a girl-on-girl love affair, Finding Nemo, and now Shrek 2.  Thank GAGA Kelly has a dog that occasionally needs to be let out to pittle (or poop for that matter... believe it or not, I actually picked up Ebony's poop yesterday... something a vowed I would NEVER, EVER do!).  If it weren't for Ebony, we'd likely never see the light of day!  But in our defense, it's difficult just to go outside when there's a Mexican restaurant right across the street!  This restaurant alone stirs an intense desire for guacamole and margaritas within this food-adddict's soul!  Even on our venture to Target today I could hardly keep my tongue in my mouth when driving by Jimmy John's, Buffalo Wild Wings and Taco Bell!  It's much easier to maintain our sanity within the confines of Kelly's apartment... trust.

With the company, guidance and expertise of my "Juice Mama," these first two chew-free days have been very do-able and relatively enjoyable.  Sure, the beet/sweet potato/red pepper/carrot/ ginger/apple/orange concoction was far from easy to drink, but that likely had much to do with my failure to wash the beats... these vegetables already have a deliciously "earthy" taste, but there was literally dirt in our juices.  As Kelly said, it felt as though we were eating soil.  Upon taking my first drink, I asked if there was dirt in my teeth.  Woof!  Fortunately for us, that was not only yesterday's dinner, but also this morning's breakfast!  It'll be breakfast for me again tomorrow... can't hardly wait!

But trust me, some juices are FAR more delicious than others!  Last night we enjoyed a delicious, grapefruit, orange, cranberry and lime concoction, and today's lunch was a blend of black, razz, blue and strawberry juices with mango, coconut water and avocado!  SO DELICIOUS!  This drink even had a little body to it, as it was blended with ice!  Mmm mm good!  And I'm not constantly hungry... if anything, my tastebuds are just left a little unsastified after drinking some of the more vegetable-heavy concotions.    

Here's hoping y'all keep reading despite the lack of raunchy farts and epic poops I swore to report on.  To be honest, I have occasional gas but it hasn't been raunchy at all lately... and I haven't really been able to poop.  I took one small poop on Day 3, I didn't poop AT ALL yesterday and I had one very unimpressive BM today.  I don't feel constipated or anything, so I suppose these dormant bowels are better than the eruptive alternative.  Mom, if you're reading this, you can thank me later for all this poop talk... I'm sure you're loving it ;)

Well, yesterday was a day of several firsts.  Not only did I pick up my first fistful of dog shit and go an entire day without chewing, I also saw Titanic in it's entirety for the first time!  Having just seen that epic film, I'd like to leave you with Jack Dawson's daily motto...

"Make it count."

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Reboot Day 3 - So Tired It Hurts

That's probably not how I should title a blog post about a cleanse I'm trying to convince people is healthy.  I find it hilarious how skeptical some people seem to be.  Where was everyone's concern when I was considerably overweight and eating for a family of four?!  And how could consuming only fruits and vegetables for a week not be healthy?!  Just  because I won't be chewing for seven days, doesn't mean I won't be "eating."  I'm confident I'll be consuming just as many if not more nutrients than I normally would.  As for those of you concerned about protein (and a lot of you are)... don't be.  Most of the juices have plenty of leafy-greens (ideally accounting for 60% of the concoctions), which will provide more than enough protein.  I'm most certainly not saying one should consume only the juices of fruits and veggies for extended periods of time. I am saying, however, that 10 days of eating and drinking only the fruits of our earth will be FAR healthier than the eating out and binge-drinking I'd otherwise be doing. Perhaps this little hiatus from what had become my routine-unhealthiness will break the cycle of bad habits I'd fallen back into.  Here's hoping!

As I contemplate the reactions I've gotten to this cleanse, I've come to the conclusion that Americans not only doubt the power of fruits and vegetables but we have also been conditioned to fear them. 

Well, I wrote that snarky lil' rant when I was pert' near sleeping while standing at work.  Sure, I'm getting more than enough nutrients, but I'm also eating FAR LESS calories than I was a week ago.  Therefore, this calorie deficit has me feeling SLEEPY SLEEPY!  And when I'm SLEEPY SLEEPY and being prevented from sleeping, I ain't so nice anymore!  So blame the snarkiness on my SLEEPY SLEEPY-ness.  But hell, a post-work GAGAerobics session will wake anyone up! And despite the cleanse, the workout was great!  I was pretty exhausted by the end of it, but isn't that the point?!  Thanks to PJ and Elise for being my partners in GAGAerobics crime! 

Here's hoping I'll survive the first of our non-chewing days! Tomorrow marks Day 1 of strictly juicing!  Somehow I managed to get both Friday and Saturday off, so any immediate Reboot side-effects shant harm my professional performance ;) While I'm digging the cleanse today, lets see how I feel tomorrow!  I'm guessing my mood and overall condition will be able to be summed up in one word... WOOF.  Oh, and virtually no gas and no poops today... WHO AM I?!  

"Buzz's girlfriend... woof." -- Home Alone

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Day 2 - The Reboot Continues

As day two of our Reboot is coming to an end, my body is feeling pretty damn great!  Keep in mind, we're still able to chew at this point... lets see how I feel about this whole cleanse thing when I'm only DRINKING fruits and veggies.  But I will say this, my inner chubby 12 year old is wondering what the hell happened to herself!  The kid once addicted to macaroni and cheese and bowls of melted chocolate chips can hardly recognize her 23 year old self!  Gaga bless that awkward tomboy of yesteryear, but change was a good and necessary thing!

Anyway... Sucks to be that hotel guest who chose the WRONG time to approach the front desk.  All I'm saying is there might be a reason I'm standing at the far end of the front desk area... alone.  While my body is responding quite well to this raw food diet of sorts and I'm experiencing the bowel regularity of my dreams, I have had some pretty raunchy farts... scratch that, extremely raunchy farts these past two days.  A group of four guests just approached the desk at yet another inopportune time... these poor, oblivious people must think there's a family of skunks nestled under the hotel floor boards.  Yes, it's that bad. 

I must say, I've eaten pretty damn well these past two days.  Sure I've had to drink a couple "Mean Grean" juices that some might find less than desirable (about 60% kale), but other than that I've just eaten deliciously healthy foods! Breakfast has consisted of large bowls of black, blue and strawberries...mmm mm!!  Lunch has been Trader Joe's vegan salads topped with chickpeas, craisins, edamame, pumpkin seeds, gingery dressing, etc, etc!  And Ms. Kelly has treated me to two delicious dinners, including tonight's homemade sweet potato and carrot fries as well as greens steamed to perfection!  I could certainly get used to this sort of diet, provided each day involved menus as delicious as these past two!     

But how soon I've forgotten about my great disdain for the coconut water I'm supposed to drink with my afternoon snack.  I'm convinced old people would taste eerily similar to coconut water if we were to juice and drink them too ;)  Everybody else seems to think coconut water is delicious... my coworker Tony even went as far as pegging it "orgasmic."  Lets agree to disagree, shall we?!

Here's hoping y'all can't smell my farts from wherever you're reading... if anyone's gas is capable of wafting all that way, it's certainly mine on the Reboot!  I shan't fight it, though, as a wise person once said...

"It's better to let it out and feel the shame, than keep it in and feel the pain." 

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie


   

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Time to put a (Re)boot in my ass!

If this blog could talk, it would say (in its best Mrs. Doubtfire impression), "HelllllOOOOO!!!" Good gravy boat, it's as if The Pledge of Glory no longer exists!  In both blog form and my physical form, unfortunately.  Let me begin by saying, I have gained some weight.  It's only fair that I would... three months of eating and drinking like the fatter-Jackie of yesteryear will do that to a person.  I have also been exercising far less than I once was. I shan't make excuses, and I'm honestly pretty disappointed in myself.  Once consistently weighing in between 190 and 195 lbs, I am now tipping the scale around 195 to 200lbs.  Woof.

This disappointment is something I address daily.  I have many conversations with myself about the fact that weight-loss and health are long-term issues, and set-backs are bound to happen.  What disappoints me most is not the fact that I won't lose the 40 lbs (I stupidly set this goal prior to weighing myself.  'Tis quite sad, but I actually thought I weighed MORE than 221.6 lbs before taking The Pledge.  My body has since indicated, loud and clear, that 181.6 lbs might be a bit of a strectch for me).  I'm disappointed that I made an eight month commitment to my health, and seemingly threw in the towel after about four.  I had made sound, healthy choices and changes from August to January.  The sort of healthy choices I was hoping to adopt for life.  I was not dieting;  merely altering my lifestyle. I must admit, it's a bit disheartening to know that I haven't been able to maintain these behaviors for even seven months.  SO, now that I've had that pity party of one...

WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT IT?!  Well, a very "special" friend of mine has likely found the perfect way to halt my three month Will she ever re-board the wagon?! bender.  This "special" friend, who I like to call Ms. Kelly, suggested her and I do a "Reboot" ala Joe Cross.  So who is this "thinspiration" of a man and what the hell is a Reboot, you ask?!  Well, Joe Cross is someone who revolutionized his health at the age of 40.  Struggling with both high blood pressure and high cholesterol, Joe pledged to consume only the juice of fresh fruits and vegetables for 60 days. He began this pledge, his very first Reboot, in late 2007.  By March of the following year, he was no longer on any of the medications he was taking "night and day" as a man 100 lbs overweight.  As for the Reboot itself... Cross's website, www.jointhereboot.com, describes it like so:

A Reboot is a period of time in which a person commits to eating or drinking only fresh fruits and vegetables. Reboot is not a diet, it is a time for the body to reset, cleanse and take in all those vital nutrients Mother Nature intended for us. The Reboot Program allows you to take control of your diet, improve your health and wellness... The goal is to help you break a cycle of unhealthy eating, or simply enhance the quality of your diet by increasing your intake of fruits and vegetables.

As I write this blog, day one of our 10 day Reboot is coming to an end.  Fortunately for us, we are still able to chew... the first three days involve drinking AND eating fruits, vegetables and sprouted seeds (don't ask me to explain the latter lol).  I plan to blog every day of our Reboot, so I encourage those of you interested in raunchy farts and epic poops to keep reading!  I've practically eaten my weight in berries and spinach today, so my already "over-active" stomach was having a hay-day!  Praise cheeses I was able to exile myself from my coworkers a bit... I spent the better part of my nine hour shift at the front desk's far computer in a coma brought on by my own bodily gases ;)  Okay, so I'm exaggerating a bit... sure, my fruity-veggie gas was toxic, but according to my Reboot diary my gas at least came in the form of "raunchy, yet fortunately rare farts." Speaking of fortunate, I think Kelly and I are pretty lucky to have a third muskateer in on this endeavor... our good friend Holly is tackling the 10 day Reboot with us, too!  Thank Gaga, we haven't already turned into that couple that "diets" and runs half marathons together... I can call us a couple, right?!  Here's hoping!  Anyway, wish us luck as we continue this 10 day quest to Reboot our bodies!!!  Like I said, I'll be blogging daily throughout this process.  As always, your moral support is greatly appreciated! 

Here's to all y'all and the overwhelming support you've already sent my way... especially in the past year!  As you may or may not know, I turned 23 years young on the 18th of  March.  I must admit, 22 was  truly an excellent year for me.  It very well could've been the best year of my life.  Between spending a semester in Italy, coming out of the closet, meeting some truly fantastic people and getting healthy, I have virtually no complaints!  Sure, I may have seemed a little pessimistic about the current state of The Pledge of Glory, but this Reboot has me feeling really good about re-boarding the healthy-wagon!  And I wasn't really being pessimistic, I was merely being honest about my recent lack of commitment.  All in all, it's hard to be disappointed in myself when my work-pants are still comically large... when the scale regularly reads less than 200 lbs (as a year ago I would've told you that was pert' near impossible)... when Mama Hauser is taking a dress I ordered in August in nearly eight inches! Set backs will happen, but we must remember the satisfaction of progress and channel that positive energy! 

Here's hopin y'all have seen the new movie version of Dr. Suess's The Lorax!  If not, allow me to enlighten you... 

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.  It's not." 

I'd like to leave you with yet another quote... just because it's been SO DAMN LONG since I last blogged, and I've compiled quite the list of them.  But before I relay this hilarious quote, i must give my childhood bestie (and a loyal Pledge reader) a shout-out.  Randi, this long-time friend of mine, found great strength and courage in the 22nd year of her life, too.  You might say she really grew some tits (not to be confuzed with balls...) and came into her own.  But despite these newfound tits, Randi recognizes that life might still bite ya in the ass.  And what does she have to say about that?!      

"Sometimes our tits... take some hits."

But hell, that doesn't make her wanna be any less of a woman!  You're one helluva gal, Randi!  You will forever be the Whitney Houston (R.I.P.) to my Tina Turner!  I'm so very proud of you!!!

Again, I'll be blogging the next 9 consecutive days, every step of the Reboot way!!! Stay tuned!

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie