Cold Pack Cheese Food

Wow, it's been nearly two weeks since I last posted.  Unacceptable.  I'll spare you the excuses and move on (or I'll talk about them at length throughout the blog).

Anyway...I bet you're wondering just what "Cold Pack Cheese Food" is.  Well, this brings me to my first excuse.  One of the main reasons why I took a little hiatus from posting was the four days I spent in northern Wisconsin.  I just so happened to have a few days off from work, and my long lost friend Brianna was returning from her Montana summer holiday.  So, I got to join Brianna and her sister Alyssa as well as Mumma Paula up north at their lovely cabin.  Although Brianna and I were actually quite diligent in maintaining our workout routines (btw, Tae Bo scares dogs), northern Wisconsin is perhaps the least diet-friendly place in the world.  There are just so many variations of cheese begging to be eaten... cheese curds... string cheese... cheese and crackers... and the worst (yet most delicious) of them all -- "cold pack cheese food."  So what is this strange form of cheese?  Well, "cold pack cheese food" resembles that Mertz port wine cheese spread Wisconsinites are so fond of.  I'm not sure that Mertz's spreads are made with mayo, but I know for a fact that "cold pack cheese food" is.  So, we were basically eating a whipped combination of cheese and mayo.... only in Wisconsin!  Yeah, and only Wisconsinites would dip their already batter-fried cheese curds into a blue cheese dip...uff da.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, than you haven't been to Madison's beloved restaurant, "The Old Fashioned."  

I'd like to tell you that other than the "cold pack cheese food" I was rather well behaved up north in terms of my diet.  Sure, relatively speaking I was, but the temptations of northern Wisconsin are pert' near unavoidable.  For instance, when Alyssa, Brianna and I went to the local Birchwood tavern "Big Sexy's," we just couldn't help but try their specialty brew.  You guessed it, they had "Big Sexy" on tap.  I did relatively well, having only two Big Sexies.  Perhaps that had something to do with the fact that Big Sexy on tap is actually just...woah, I'd better stop there!  I'm pretty sure we promised Big Sexy himself that we wouldn't reveal the true identity of Big Sexy beer.  What I can tell you is that it's a Whitehall favorite and is brewed by Anheuser-Busch.  It's also a beer that is typically found only in cans. Apparently, it's tapped alter-ego is referred to as "Big Sexy."  As for Big Sexy the man, well, he was neither big nor sexy...buzz kill.  Lets just say we amazon queens dwarfed him in both size and sex appeal (as we do most others)!  Oh, and I couldn't avoid eating a teriyaki beef stick at Big Sexy's either :S

I was faced with perhaps the ultimate northern Wisco temptation when I visited Eau Claire's famous Randy's Family Restaurant.  I dare you to go there for breakfast and not get their "Hungry Man."  Of course, it's easier for feminist me to refuse a meal with such a sexist name, but nevertheless, it's still quite tempting!  Instead, my dear friend Paul and I shared the vegetarian omelet with wheat toast.  And the damned omelet didn't even have cheese!  My gawd, I did pretty well at Randy's!  I also drank about 6 cups of coffee, which to me is like taking a laxative!  Now, don't get all in a tizzy... I do not and will not stoop to using laxatives as a weight loss method.  I had my fair share of diarrhea in Italy (was it the olive oil?!), and I'm damn sick of it!  And for the record, when ordering the Hungry Man breakfast at Randy's in the past, I would always refer to it as the "Hungry Person." I hope, for my sake, you will do the same! 

Well, since this blog is supposed to be about weight loss I suppose I should fill y'all in on my progress.  Around August 18th, I weighed myself for the first time since the initial weigh in (around August 8th).  Again, I was originally a whopping 221.6 lbs.  By August 18th, however,  I had already dropped to 219.3!  I was quite ecstatic!  I have since weighed myself again, but I'm not quite as happy with the results...on August 28th I was still 219.3 lbs.  I suppose that's better than putting weight back on, and considering my adventures in northern Wisconsin maybe I should be pleased that I was able to maintain things.  As for exercising, I'd kind of gotten in the habit of rollerblading rather than GAGAcising.  You see, I bought these sweet-ass new blades and the weather has been absolutely perfect lately!  I suppose the important thing is that I'm exercising...nevertheless, I still need to be getting my GAGA on at least twice a week. I've been much better about GAGAcising this week, as I did GAGAerobics both yesterday and today!  Again, I'd always love to make it a group activity... please join me!  I guarantee we'll have a great time!

Well, I suppose that's all for now.  Having not written in awhile, I had much to say!  Oh!  One more thing... I met LADY GAGA last night in my dream.  I awkwardly shook her hand through this odd window and said, "Because of you, I have revolutionized my life."  Her response, "Good."  In my dream I was quite disappointed by her reaction.... I mean, what the hell was "Good." supposed to mean?!  She seemed rushed and cared very little about me... i doubt  our real-life meeting will be anything like that.  GAGA is as obsessed with her fans as we are her! 

Here's hoping you've found yourself some good peaches...I'm still looking and Target ain't got 'em!  If only I were still in northern Wisconsin buying peaches from the Amish...or was it the Mennonites?!  I think both sell some damn fine peaches! 

"I can excuse everything but boredom. Boring people don't have to stay that way." - Hedy Lamarr

LOVE. PEACE. GAGAEROBICS. 

Jackie 


PS - If you don't already know, Hedy Lamarr was a gorgeous Hollywood starlet during MGM's "Golden Age" of film.  I'm reading her incredibly interesting autobiography "Ecstasy and Me:  My Life as a Woman," and I encourage you to do the same.

It was that time of year... and that time of the month!

I never thought I'd live with a straight man...much less two of them!  But what do you know, my dreams have come true!  Yep, that's right, I've recently moved out of my old, downtown apartment and into what I like to call "summer camp."  I refer to it as such, because I now feel like I'm living in the boonies of Madison.  But the boonies aren't so bad... I'm not crazy about the fact that I have to drive everywhere, but I don't mind being a little isolated from the bar scene.  This GAGA-project has me drinking FAR less, and removing myself from the land of temptation has been incredibly helpful.  And don't get me wrong, living with straight guys isn't bad at all...at least the two gems I'm living with.  We watch a lot of movies like "Super Bad" and "Black Sheep" as well as some "Family Guy," and to be honest with you, I don't even mind watching them playing video games!  Sometimes I forget Madden and NBA Live aren't the real deal... who knew video games were so realistic these days?! Although I must say, if you're in the other room and just so happen to overhear the two of them playing Madden, you might think a greased pig got loose in the house.  Seriously, I was plucking my chin hairs in my room and the Madden-induced grunts and screeching were quite comical...and a little concerning.  Nevertheless, I now have a 46" TV as well as cable and internet again...oh, the standards of 23 year old straight men!   

Well, I'm finally getting settled in the place... but it's come at a cost! My wonderfully patient mother had the pleasure of helping a dieting, over-tired and menstruating me move from an apartment of two years to the new place.  It wasn't a pleasant experience for anyone, but I couldn't have done it without her!  I also owe my sister Liz a big thank you, as she had to put up with this moving-diva too!  Oh, and thanks to her partner Kari for helping with the heavy lifting as well.  Tears were shed multiple times throughout  the moving process... so, when we went to Buffalo Wild Wings after a long day of moving, I had a little trouble sticking to the GAGA regiment.  But I only had a few nachos...and maybe a couple wings... and perhaps a giant Bud Lite...with two limes, of course.  Nevertheless, my "pledge" isn't about feeling bad when I slip up.  My journey to get healthy is about feeling good about myself.  I'm sure I'll have another BWW's incident before April's through, so the important thing is hopping back on the wagon if (and when) I fall off!  

The move, in general, has posed some challenges to the pledge.  I've been without internet, and therefore haven't blogged in a bit.  And like I said before, I'm living with straight dudes now, and they don't exactly appreciate GAGA as much as my roommates of yesteryear. One of my new roommates had some guys over for beer after class the other day...I had to excuse myself to do some GAGAerobics outside and in doing so tried to explain my get-skinny plan to a room full of PBR-drinking, 20-somethings.  They all thought it was at least comical, and no one complained about the GAGA volume.  Except for that older gal next door, who commended my work-out efforts but nevertheless scolded me.  Her exact words: The music might be a little loud, but keep up the good work.  I live in this little village of sorts, and all who chose to look could see me getting my GAGA on!  What a first impression I'm making...      

Well, the weather's been fantastic lately, so I've been doing a bit more rollerblading than GAGAerobics. But, not a day goes by where I don't channel the Mother Monster and her open-minded, optimistic and anti-hate mentality.  Oh, and that reminds me, I must check out her newly released "You and I" music video.  As should you!  Also, I need to weigh myself as soon as I have access to a scale... I'm quite curious about my progress.  

Here's hoping you Whitehall natives will enjoy a fabulous Beef and Dairy Days weekend!  I'll have to join you next year, as I'm working all weekend.  And Lord knows I can't afford to be double fisting Busch Lites and corn dogs!!!  But please, have one of each for me ;)  

"They can't scare me, if I scare them first." - Lady Gaga

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie 

Please, Don't Make Fun of My "Manties."

If you've read my profile or have ever met me, for that matter, you know how I feel about karaoke.  Well, last night was Wednesday night, and that only means one thing...karaoke at the local gay bar, Plan B!  At work I keep hearing Billy Joel's "Oh What a Night," and I've been dying to sing it!  So, I requested the song and waited anxiously for my turn.  However, the song I requested was some 50's doo-wop crap by a group called the Dells!  Needless to say, I had no idea what I was singing...it was a karaokatastrophe!!!  I was mortified.  Will I ever be able to show my face at Plan B again?!  Yes, actually, I've got plans to return Saturday ;)  But the important thing about last night is that I only had one beer... yes, one beer.  Last week I would've told you I didn't think it could be done! 

So apparently people who want to lose weight eat oatmeal...and I can see why! Upon finishing mine this morning, it's fiber content had already kicked in and I felt like I never wanted to eat again.  That and it took me at least 30 minutes to eat...uff da! And this wasn't that sweetened instant stuff... this was the real, mushy deal.  Eating it without fruit is like listening to Eminem without wearing ear-plugs...it's so disgusting you're practically hurling (Em fans, can we just agree to disagree? Thanks).  Moving on.  

Disclaimer:  the following photos are not for the faint of heart.  The Surgeon General says if you're pregnant or have a heart condition, you should not view the following pictures.  They have been found both disturbing and permanently damaging.  For you brave (or stupid) individuals, I give you Jackie Hauser at 221.6 lbs:

As I've noted in the title, I ask that you don't make fun of my "manties"... or look too closely at them, for that matter...it seems they've worn a little thin in the rear :S  So yeah, it's safe to say that's more than you've ever wanted to see of me!  And just so you know, I'm doing my "pledge pose" in picture 1.  Geez, I can't help but laugh at my comically skinny legs!  How can they be so skinny after lugging all this weight around?!  And thank GAGA my sports-bra is concealing my flabby side-boob region...no one wants to see that!  Unfortunately, the sports-bra's not doing anything for my back fat... who can tell me how to get rid of that crap?!  I'd like a little something I can throw in to GAGAerobics.  

Call it water weight or call it a fluke, but I weighed myself again today and I'm down to 220.2 lbs.  If my calculations are correct, that means I've lost 1.4 lbs already!  If only I'd taken these pictures after dropping this pound and a half...

Here's hoping you're enjoying this GAGAlicious weather!  

"Let me be myself and then I am satisfied.  I know that I'm a woman, a woman with inward strength and plenty of courage." - Anne Frank


LOVE. PEACE. GAGAerobics.

Jackie

This is my pledge...of glory.

I often joke about being one of LADY GAGA's biggest fans...in more ways than one.  As a "huge" fan, I  not only do things like bleach my long, curly hair of yesteryear and talk about her constantly (so others say), but I'm also a rather large gal in stature...I'm GAGAntuan, if you will.  I stand about 6 feet tall and (I can't believe I'm about to admit this) weigh a whopping 221.6 lbs.  In the past, I've likely never admitted my actual weight to ANY of you.  I, however, have decided I to start being honest with myself.  And I can thank LADY GAGA for helping me find the courage to do so. 

Inspired by LADY GAGA, among others, I officially came "out of the closet" about three months ago...I refer to my official coming out day as the day in which I came out to my parents.  It's kind of a comical story, which I would be happy to share with any of you some other time...or perhaps in a future post.  Anyway, my sexual orientation was an aspect of my life I had never been honest with myself about.  I can't explain how good it feels to be open about something you've been denying so long... truly an amazing feeling.  Thanks to all of you who love me as much as ever. 

I don't think I've ever been honest with myself about my weight (and how it desperately needs to decrease) either.  And so ends a lifetime of denial regarding sexuality and weight! The scale and I agree that getting healthy is long overdue, but things like a four-month escape to the capital of wine, aged cheese and pasta will deter even the most determined of dieters (not that I even tried in Italy...who am I kidding).  But something struck me the other day...a way that I could both get healthy and maybe even meet LADY GAGA!  I thought to myself, "Maybe if I lost 40 lbs doing GAGAerobics, m'Lady would somehow hear about it and want to meet me!"  Now, meeting LADY GAGA is just a minor incentive to lose the weight...because, after all, losing the weight doesn't guarantee she'll even know my name.  The ultimate incentive is getting healthy.  Ms. GAGA is always talking about being the best possible you, and Jackie Hauser sans 40 lbs is gonna be a "stunner."  Mark my words.

You're likely asking yourself, "What is GAGAerobics?  Have I heard of this before?"  No, you've probably never heard of it before, because I made it up (well, sort of).  When I know I should exercise and have absolutely no motivation to do so, I can always muster up the strength to do a little GAGAerobics.  Basically, I combine Sean T's "Hip Hop Abs," Billy Blanks' "Tea Bo" and my own  dance moves to work up a crazy sweat while listening to GAGA... you might say I'm GAGAcising!  I cannot tell you how much fun I have!!! And it works. I'm currently experiencing a sensation I haven't felt in years...soreness.  If you're ever in Madison and looking for a fun workout, I encourage you to join me!          

In explaining GAGAerobics and my 40 lb plan to my sister, Kassie Hauser, she transformed what was a good idea into a GREAT one.  She said, "You know what you have to do?  Start a blog."  LIGHT BULB!  My response, "It'll be just like Julie and Julia but better and funnier... and I won't be such a whiny bitch."  Here's hoping there's a happier ending to my story...If GAGA ever gets wind of my little project, I hope she doesn't respond like Julia Child did to that whiny Julia chick.  But can you blame her?  That Julie was whiny...and probably short.  Did I mention she was whiny?

Almost done...I promise.  Anyway, I was doing GAGAerobics on Sunday (sweating my you-know-whats off), and when "The Edge of Glory" came on I got a serious case of the goose-bumps.  I thought to myself, "This is my GAGA-project's anthem." But I had yet to come up with the perfect name.  Minutes later I was reading the list of songs on the back of the Born this Way album.  When I saw "The Edge of Glory" in print, it came to me...my blog shall be called THE PLEDGE OF GLORY. 

So this is my pledge...of glory --  I will lose 40 lbs by the end of April doing GAGAerobics (among other things) at least three times a week and blogging about it every dance-step of the way.  Why the end of April?!  Because I needed a deadline and I'll also be standing up in my friend Emily's wedding on April 28th... at least I think that's the day of her wedding :S 

If admitting my weight (again, freakin' 221.6 lbs) and proclaiming my intentions isn't enough to make me accountable, I'm "upping the ante."  As soon as I can figure out how to do it, I'll be posting semi-nude "before" photos of my cottage cheese self.  You GAGA aficionados can call me "Flubby Mary."     


"Just dance -- It's gonna be okay." - LADY GAGA

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie