Morgan: I think living together again will be good for us. We'll be healthy influences on one another. How would you feel about having some house diet rules?
Me: I don't really do diet "rules."
Morgan: Well, I don't mean rules like, "No Drinking." I mean funny rules like, "No Angry Hummus."
What's "angry hummus" you ask?! Well, angry hummus is somewhat of an event that takes place after several hours of being nice to hotel guests. After work I'll sit down to chat with Morgan over a tub of hummus and some pretzels, and the gorging commences. With every story I tell about an annoying situation (or dare I say a trying guest), I'll chow down on another pretzel dunked in an even more laughable amount of hummus than the last. By the time I'm through venting, I've eaten half a tub (or about 5 servings) of hummus. Thus the instatement of our first of three house rules, No Angry Hummus. Yes, I understand that hummus might actually be somewhat "good" for me, but not in ice cream size portions. The other rules read as follows: No means NO and No Weighing on the Rag.
We've instated the No means NO rule, because we've struggled a bit in the past with the whole "eating in numbers" thing. We've been known to talk each other into eating things we should just so no to. Or sometimes, like the other night, we'll even talk each other into eating things we've found the will power to refuse. After an excellent aerobics session with our fabulous instructor "Pat," who lovingly refers to me as "Jackie with the fabulous hair," Morgan and I decided to take the State Street route home. And this route just so happens to run right past Qdoba, my ultimate weakness. Morgan suggested we go there for a little post-workout meal, and somehow I was able to say no. When we got back to the apartment she suggested it once again, and after I said no she hinted at going there yet again. After saying no a third or fourth time, I finally gave in. We went to Qdoba and while it was delicious, the joy that typically accompanies this experience just wasn't there. I was suddenly quite angry knowing that our awesome workout would be for naught, and I was also rather angry knowing I had said no at least three times.
And this the day after I'd had a conversation with Morgan about needing allies! I understand that The Pledge of Glory is completely my battle, but sometimes I could get by with a little help from my friends. You know, if we're at a bar together and I say I don't want a drink, I don't want a drink. I'm assuming anyone who knows me understands why I'm saying no, so PLEASE don't try to persuade me or tell me I look like I could use a drink! Hell, you hardly have to know me to have heard me preach about The Pledge... if you've met me even once, chances are I've taken it upon myself to tell you all about my little project. Anyway, I'd like to think I'm not one who needs to be schnookered up to have or be fun, so just be my ally and go with it. It can be damn hard for my fat inner booze-hound to say no, so please don't invite me to second guess that no when I actually do.
At the time of the Qdoba incident I was a little perturbed with Morgan, but this was definitely compounded by my bad, period attitude. Which leads me to our next rule, No Weighing on the Rag. This rule was purposed by Ms. Morgan after hearing me bitch innumerable times about the extra weight I carry around when menstruating. The whole Qdoba thing happened not only while on the rag but also shortly after the holiday season. Therefore, the scale was reading really lack-luster numbers in the high 190s/ low 200s range (those are some freakin' November numbers). So I was freaking out a bit about the 20lbs I'd have to lose in only four months... yes, I'd lost 20 in the four months prior, but loosing the weight will be increasingly more difficult from here on out.
Despite having vowed never to step on a scale during my period again, I was doing so and overreacting about pert near everything. Needless to say, as soon as I'd ditched the tampons my weight was drastically lower! Define drastic, you say. Well, on the rag the scale was consistently reading at least 198.9lbs. Almost immediately after saying farewell to "Aunt Flow," which is a ridiculous period euphemism my friend Paula (and no one else) used to say, the scale read 192.9!!! Hells freakin' bells! My weight has been fluctuating in the 192-195 range ever since, but after quite the SNOW DAY, FAT DAY it's sitting on the higher end of that spectrum. SNOW DAY, FAT DAYs, for the record, involve eating as much of whatever you want in celebration of a wintry storm. Even without Brianna, my best SNOW DAY, FAT DAY comrade, I had a pretty successful SNOW DAY, FAT DAY. I won't bore you with another food diary entry, but lets just say I ate out three times yesterday. Naturally, Qdoba was one such restaurant destination... so Ms. Morgan, one of my greatest Pledge allies, don't think I'm still salty over the Qdoba thing... I never really had the right to be salty about it from the get go.
Wow. Having failed to blog since December 23rd, I have SO MUCH TO SAY! I apologize about all the rambling that has taken and will continue to take place. I suppose I should address the holidays, but I don't really have anything insightful to say about them. I ate pretty much whatever I wanted and hardly "held back" at all. During the Tjoflat Christmas celebration, I guess I was pretty successful in wedging myself in a corner where I couldn't escape every two seconds to get some of mother Ellen's famous sweetened puff corn or one of sister Liz's ridiculous Paula Dean chocolate chip cookie dough truffles... they were literally giant balls of cookie dough dunked in delicious chocolate. Liz, did I thank you for providing perhaps the most difficult diet temptation yet? Overall, I guess I was pretty successful in not drinking a whole lot over the holidays... except for maybe that one night in downtown Whitehall where things got a little crazy at the "S&M" bar... what happens in S&M, stays in S&M.
Despite the holidays, I've managed to lose roughly 27lbs since this whole quest began in August. For those of you not real gifted in the math department, I've 13lbs to lose in order to meet my 40lb April 28th goal!!! Anyway, people often ask me something along the lines of, "So what's your secret?" I almost always struggle to answer this damn question. First of all, when you were an incredibly gluttonous, lazy college kid, a few healthy changes can work wonders for you. Simply getting my ass of the couch to GAGAcise or rollerblade thrice a week has been huge for me. And drinking at least less frequently than a college kid has done wonders as well.
But if I could sum it all up, I guess knowing myself has been the real secret. Though I can't seem to learn this lesson, I know I cannot sit down with a tub of hummus and eat a reasonable portion of it. It's as simple as portioning a bit out and enjoying it in moderation. Also, some nights I know I cannot go to a bar and just have one drink. The solution is simple. I shan't put myself in that situation on this particular night. Some nights I know I'm incapable of even passing by a Qdoba without coveting some Mexican Gumbo and ultimately stopping in. Once again, a simple solution... take a different route home. So lets know and understand ourselves! Know the temptations you can and cannot resist, know your triggers and discover the root of your unhealthy habits. To me, it's no coincidence whatsoever that I've been capable of revolutionizing my health in the same year I've announced, acknowledged and celebrated my lifestyle. Having come out, I'm no longer seeking comfort in unhealthy habits like excessive eating and drinking (with the exception of a few SNOW DAY, FAT DAYs here and there). Here's to a 2012 dedicated to total health... of mind, body and spirit!
Speaking of the new year, lets talk resolutions! Mine are as follows (and in no order of importance): Complete The Pledge, floss, MEET GAGA and leave Madison no later than September. As for that final resolution, do cities exist where the lesbian circle isn't so freakishly small?! GAGA, I hope so.
A quick story to demonstrate how effectively I often put my foot in my mouth... In the work cafeteria the other day, I gazed longingly at a vat of mystery meat (sometimes that stuff appeals to me... GAGA knows why). I asked my coworker what he thought it was, and he responded, "I don't know. It's probably pork, and I don't eat that stuff." So, thinking he's just another one of my interesting coworkers who refuses to eat pork because its gross or because pigs are allegedly very intelligent and therefore more aware of their suffering (not my rationale here, people) I say, "Oh, you're one of those, aren't you?" To which this coworker responds, "A Jew? Yes." Bahahaha thank GAGA this particular coworker has a great sense of humor...
Yet another tangent... The bathroom wall just told me, "Both sex outside of marriage and homosexuality are sins in God's sight." Yeah, and so are my SNOW DAY, FAT DAYs. As one of my oh-so-wise study abroad professors said while watching me dish copious amounts of Chef Bruno's homemade lasagna onto my plate, "GLUTTONY. Gluttony is in the third ring of Dante's inferno."
Here's hoping your 2011 was filled with as many positive experiences with wonderful friends and family as was mine! If the world indeed ends in December of this year, I will have at least spent 23 amazing years in the presence of some truly wonderful people. That, and won't have to pay back my student loans ;)
“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” - Madonna
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
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