Is it just me, or is it a lil' too preachy in here?!

I stand at work, miserably full.  I have just come from the employee cafeteria, which is normally stocked with, at best, semi-edible food.  Before I continue, I must admit that I initially spelt "stocked" like "stalked." And now I have yet another confession, every time I type the word "spelt," I immediately double-check that the word actually exists via Dictionary.com. Turns out every time I look it up, it's still a word.  Anyway, back to my story...today our cafeteria was surprisingly stocked with relatively delicious food. By the time I took my break, there was one egg roll left, which was more than enough fried goodness for me, as well as an abundance of this chicken stir-fry of sorts. It was so salty and delicious, I decided I could have a very generous helping.  Followed by an even more generous helping. Followed by yet another (and perhaps most generous) helping. Yup, the girl who recently told you she was recommitting to The Pledge ate three helpings of cafeteria stir fry with virtually no hesitation. Sure, I thought to myself, "The first excessive portion was probably enough."  But the devil-portion of my conscience (aka fat Jackie) was shouting "MUST EAT STIR-FRY" so loud I couldn't hear a damn thing the increasingly meek, health-conscious Jackie was trying to get out. This triple-portion meal was the perfect way to conclude a weekend of un-Pledgelike behavior. Last weekend was supposed to be the last of my glutton-fests, but this weekend was just as bad, if not worse.  

I started writing this edition of The Pledge so long ago, I can't even remember how many gluttonous weekends I've had since. What I do know is that I've deemed literally every Monday in February a "new beginning" or a "fresh start." I said I was starting anew Monday the 6th after a fun-filled fat-Jackie weekend... I sad I'd recommit again Monday the 13th after an equally unhealthy weekend... and I said "enough is enough" yet again Monday the 20th after a, you guessed it, horribly un-Pledgelike weekend.  And the Monday-Friday routine hasn't exactly been the healthiest either.  What does a girl need to do to reboard the Pledge-wagon and lose these last 10-12 lbs?!  Perhaps eat a fried Snickers... or maybe even half of one would do the trick! 

I've said it once and I'll say it again, I have absolutely no will power after a long and annoying night of work.  This normally isn't an issue, as there's not typically a lot of food just chillin' around the hotel. But it was an issue last night when a group of guests shared their leftover Mexican food.  Remember how I said I was going to stop eating red meat until the end of The Pledge?!  Well, for whatever reason, I didn't consider the steak fajitas they gave us red meat (I have since given up red meat for Lent... While I'm definitely not Catholic, I've almost always effectively given up something each Lenten season). And nothing was going to stop me from eating some leftover enchiladas! I was already feeling a bit disgusted with myself after my little food-fiesta when I saw what appeard to be a container full of burritos.  "Who needs a burrtio?" I asked myself. But these weren't burritos... these weren't burritos at all.  They were FRIED SNICKERS.  The fat kid inside of me has always wanted to try a fried Snickers.  Luckily my coworker Michelle and I shared this deliciously American treat, but nevertheless I ate deep-fried candy last night.  I think that's rock bottom for a wayward "dieter."  At least I hope it is...

So I attempt to start anew yet again, but this time on a Thursday (as I've obviously had no luck with Mondays).  And there's no better day to recommit than a GAGAerobics-Thursday!!!  I'm so in love with the fact that I've found a fun and healthy hobby to do with friends, lovers, strangers, teachers... anyone who cares to join!  Consider this yet another invitation to do so... we GAGAcise at 6:30 every Tuesday and Thursday night at Sotto!!! 

On a more somber note, I've recently started reading Marya Hornbacher's Wasted: A Memior of Anorexia and Bullimia.  It is a horrifyingly fascinating account of a young woman's life all but destroyed by eating disorders.  At just nine years old, Hornbacher began purging.  Her every childhood memory revolves around food... literally every one of them.  Having not lived with something so consuming, it is impossible for me to articulate these struggles.  I've always felt that having an eating disorder is like being haunted by a horrendous demon, but this book conveys a life riddled with anorexia and/or bulimia as an even more intense, lifelong experience.  Reading this book is as close as I'll ever get to being inside the mind of an anoretic and/or bulimic, and I'm realizing that living with these disorders is a virtual hell on earth.

Of all the intense situations recounted in this book, there's one particular occurrence I'd like to discuss.  If I remember correctly, Hornbacher is roughly 14 years old and at the height of her bulimia.  She's sitting in detention eating a bag of chips when her hippy and likely overweight teacher wags her finger and says, "A moment on the lips, forever on the hips."  I'm praying to GAGA that those of you who work with young, impressionable minds (or ever come into contact with them, for that matter) NEVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE THIS.  As for those of us who don't, I'm begging that we don't say shit like this to each other! This seemingly innocent comment could be enough to spiral even the most secure of people into some weird state of self doubt and spur thoughts of body dysmorphia.  GAGA only knows the unhealthy weightloss means one might adapt upon hearing such comments... 

Why would anyone ever say something like that anyway?!  Just to feel better about the fried Snickers they ate yesterday?!  I'm gonna keep preaching for a bit, so I encourage you to skip to the next paragraph if you're sick of Jacko's lil' soap box rants.  Anyway, we live in a culture where women (especially) are conditioned to constantly long to be thinner. What I find so sick about it all is that we put this pressure upon each other... It's not just our media-poisoned society, which I'm always so quick to blame, that's culpable. It's as if we think it's some big competition.  Rather than banning together and encouraging one another to get healthy, we cackle when that bitch from high school gets fat.  And I'm just as guilty as the next chick of participating in these little "Haha-she's-fatter-than-me-now" cackle fests.  I don't care how much of a bitch she may or may not have been... as my roommate Morgan pointed out, we shouldn't wish fatness upon our worst enemies.  Weight-gain not only compromises one's physical health, but it has obvious implications on one's mental well-being.  The torture one could inflict upon themselves in response to weight-gain or even just snarky lil' belittling comments is so ridiculously unnecessary.

Being healthy is not a competition.  I'm sick of that bull shit.  I want even the bitchiest of all bitches to be healthy and feel good about themselves (after all, there's likely a reason he or she is such a bitch).

 
Here's hoping I didn't misspell hoards of words throughout this horribly rambling and preachy rant.  And GAGA only knows how uneducated I sound when trying to wrap my head around perplexing things like eating disorders.  But I think I've come to a bit of a conclusion... As Americans, we are not encouraged to be healthy.  We are convinced we must be thin.  Healthy and thin are not synonymous.  If they were, we wouldn't see the quest to be thin in such a competitive manner.  At some point, I'm sure a lot of us have said, "I'm skinnier than her, right?!" I, however, highly doubt you've find yourself asking whether you're healthier than that same person.  I will finally conclude perhaps the preachiest of all Pledges with an excerpt from Hornbacher's memoir. She addresses how her struggle with eating disorders has turned her into a dual-figure of sorts. She also touches on the presence of that constant longing to be perpetually thinner. But first, I must ask... after this ridiculous post will anyone ever read The Pledge of Glory again?!         

"My double image, the evil skinny bitch who hisses, Don't eat. I'm not going to let you eat. I'll let go as soon as you're thin, I swear I will. Everything will be okay when you're thin." - Marya Hornbacher's Wasted: a Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie

Whatever happened to flossing?

I'll begin by saying I almost cried tonight at work. There were no trying hotel guests.  I hadn't been disciplined by management. And there weren't even any gaycist slurs thrown my way.  Nope. I found myself fighting back the tears not when I missed Madonna's halftime show, but when I found out she had sung Like A Prayer. The moral of that pointless story:  I'm a ridiculous person.  And a privileged one at that.

How does one transition from such an irrelevant story?! Not smoothly, that's for sure... lets talk about flossing, shall we?  It was but one of my many New Years resolutions.  Well, February has only just begun and I've already stopped flossing.  I've even stopped trying, for that matter. Where have all the good intentions gone?!

Speaking of good intentions, I am recommitting myself to The Pledge of Glory this week!!!  Wednesday, February 8th marks 6 months of GAGAcising and health-consciousness!!  Some of these months were healthier than others, and it's safe to say the month of January was likely the least healthy of them all!  For whatever reason, I was most reminiscent of fat-Jackie throughout the month... neither eating nor drinking in moderation.  Despite my success, I was just so damn sick of trying to lose weight.  It starts to get to one after awhile, so apparently I deemed the month of January a "maintaining month."  Weighing in between 192 and 195 lbs, I'm fairly confident I was able to do so without taking any steps back.  I now have until April 28th to drop the last 10-13lbs, so there's no time like the present to recommit to my pledge!!!  But of course I couldn't do so without having a fat-kid holiday of a weekend...

Whoever came up with the "I'm going to eat myself silly the day before dieting" ritual  was a complete idiot.  But who's the bigger yutz, the person who came up with the stupid ritual or the one who realizes how ridiculous it is and does it anyway?!  Don't answer that... Anyway, yesterday just so happened to be that "last day of food-freedom" for me.  Well, lets be honest, I treated the entire weekend like that.  Without boring you with another lengthy excerpt from my food-diary, I'll try to briefly convey just how absurd my weekend eating habits were.  It all began Friday night, when I started drinking at about 4:30 and didn't stop until midnight when I was wolfing down an insanely delicious Parthenon Gyro Chicken Caesar Pita sandwich.  Mmmmm.  Saturday, a day in which I was prepared to help family friends move, turned out to be a "stand around and watch the movers work while we eat bagels, pizza and Scotcharoo-bars" fest. And the true gluttony began Sunday when I had my first SHAMROCK SHAKE of the season, which I would never regret, but also an 11 pm piece of cheesecake.  I don't even like cheesecake, but knowing my hours of food-freedom were disappearing I ate that slice just for the sport of it!  The only merit I can find in the pre-diet glutton fest is the awful feeling you experience after such excessive indulgence... I, personally, felt so disgusting, wasteful and even weak-willed after a weekend of dizzying consumption.  Here's hoping I remember that feeling the next time I try to eat my weight in whatever may be tempting me.

I've decided these last 10-13 lbs may be a real challenge  to take off.  I've also realized that virtually all of the "bad foods" I eat involve red meat of some form, particularly the many variations of mystery-meats served in the work cafeteria.  To avoid consuming unhealthy foods like corn dogs or what they tell us is prime-rib, my co-worker and new bestie Michelle has given up red meat altogether.  She has inspired me to do the same, or at least try to do so until the end of The Pledge.  Thinking I'd already started this "no red meat" thing last week, I found myself eating both pepperoni pizza and bacon this weekend! Woof. I guess today starts day one of this quest, too!   

A quick little update regarding my twice-weekly GAGAerobics gig (again, we GAGAcise every Tuesday and Thursday at Sotto at 6:30pm) -- I absolutely live for this!  We're four sessions in, and I consistently have 6-8 GAGAcisers showing up to each class.  Not a huge group, obviously, but it's actually a great size for the space and my non-mik'd voice. Nevertheless, there is always room for more GAGAcisers!!! Come one come all!  I don't care how old you are nor do I expect you to wear pink-zebra spandex pants!  If you're looking to have fun and get a great workout in, GAGAerobics is for you!  And don't tell me people are going to laugh at or make fun of you... not happening in my GAGA-themed exercise class!!! And if you'd rather just watch, by all means we'd love to have you!  The bartender on staff will gladly serve you a ring-side drink!   

Here's hoping y'all will get yourselves your first Shamrock Shake of the season!!! Having been abroad last spring, the shake I drank yesterday was the first I'd had in two years! Life's simple pleasures should be enjoyed more regularly!!!  But what a challenge this seasonal drink will pose to The Pledge...

"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're probably right." -- Ellen Hauser, educator, church-choir director, mother-extraordinaire

Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.

Jackie