Yes, I am celebrating many things this week. First and foremost, I celebrated my first National Coming Out Day as an openly gay woman. Here's to the amazing people in my life who love me just as much as ever... many of whom pretended to act surprised when I came out to them, and others who responded with a "Well, duh." or "It's about time." Whatever your reaction, I thank each and every one of you for your loving support. While this is slightly overdue (both my coming out and the matter I'm about to address), I continue to celebrate the engagement of my sister Kassie and her beloved Sasha. No, she's not marrying a drag queen... Sasha is allegedly the Russian equivalent of the name Alexander. Here's to their highly anticipated hippie wedding! And Sasha, we're so pleased to welcome someone like you, who makes Kassie so very happy, into our family. And last, but certainly not least, I'm celebrating the two month anniversary of The Pledge of Glory!!! These two months of (relatively) healthy eating and GAGAcising have truly paid off... roughly 60 days ago I weighed in at a whopping 221.6 lbs. The last time I stepped on a scale, however, I'm proud to say it read 206.3 lbs! That's a total of 15.3 lbs shed!!! I can't tell you how good it feels to finally button that pair of jeans I haven't worn since high school and to have my work pants literally falling off my ass. And hey, not suffering through bi-daily diarrhea episodes is pretty damn nice too.
I think I'll take this joyous moment, this the day after National Coming Out Day, to tell my coming out story. Again, I refer to my official coming out as the day I told my parents. Who knows, if it weren't for The Rainbow Air Purifying and Vacuum System I may still be a closeted lesbo.
It all began the last weekend in June. I had just been hired to sell The Rainbow, and my boss had given me $50 to drive home and practice the" informercial" on those I love and feel most comfortable around. This also happened to be the weekend of Minneapolis Pride, so I had every intention of killing two birds with one stone (note, no birds were actually harmed in my coming out process). I sat my mother down and began giving her the little spiel. Things were going releatively smoothly, until I began getting calls and texts from my beloved cousin Erik and my dear friend Monique... you see, I was planning to go to Pride with Erik on either Friday or Saturday and spend time with Monique and our friend Shane the other night. But I was freaking out about which day would be better for which, and my mother just couldn't understand my predicament. I mean, she knew I was going to Minneapolis to visit Cousin Erik, but she had no idea we'd be partaking in the Pride festivities. And that's exactly why I was freaking out...I was so concerned about concealing the actual reason I was going to Minneapolis and ultimately concealing my sexual identity. So I said to myself, "Jackie, just come out with it. Be honest with your mother."
So I abruptly stopped The Rainbow presentation to come out to my mother, saying, "Ok, Mom. I have something more important to tell you. I don't exactly identify as a lesbian... I consider myself a bisexual. Well, let me put it this way. On a scale from 1, being very straight, to 6, being very gay, I'm a 4.85." To which she responded, "Oh my word, Jackie." I've decided this was her way of pretending to be surprised... after all, I dreamt of being the first female NFL player as a child. Anyway, we talked the matter over for a few minutes and my dad finally walked in on the conversation. I said, "Dad, did you hear what we're talking about?" He said no. "Well, I just told Mom I'm gay or bi or whatever." He literally chuckled and hugged me. It wasn't until this moment that I got upset... I just felt like he didn't take such a monumental announcement very seriously. But my mother explained his reaction was merely nervous laughter, and all was well. Leave it to Mom to make this delicate situation comical... she ended the conversation saying, "You know, they say when you have daughters that sons will come later... maybe not!" I guess the whole ordeal was already pretty comical... after all, I came out to my parents when trying to sell them a $2,000 Rainbow vacuum.
Here's hoping The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge will go a little better from here on out... I haven't exactly upped my game since signing on to this mini-pledge, and dropping 10 lbs by Thanksgiving is not gonna be easy! But, it's a new day and a new opportunity to kick some Pledge of Glory ass!
"Gay people are only as cool as their rebelious straight middle sisters." -- the newly engaged Kassie Hauser
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
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