Christmas is but 10 days away, and I've never had such lack luster holiday spirit. Maybe it's the lack of snow on the ground... maybe it's the lack of gift-buying money in my wallet... or maybe it's that damn radio commericial that keeps telling me "85% of people gain weight over the holidays." Nothing screams happy holidays like constant fear of destroying four and a half months of weight loss... I'm now weighing in between 196.1 and 198.8 lbs, and I'll be damned if I sabotage that progress (total loss ranging from 22.8 to 25.5lbs)! And as for that holiday weight-gain statistic (well, statistics in general), my friend Michelle once told me 70% of statistics are inaccurate.
Oh, lord. The woman on this week's episode of What Not to Wear is selfconscious about her height. She said, "I'm already 5'10" or 5'11," so heels put me over 6' and I feel freakish." If being 6' tall makes me freakish, just call me and all the fabulously large people in my life a pile of mutants! Why would anyone ever feel insecure about being long, lean and all together superior to others? Sure, we tall people will allegedly live shorter lives (yet another likely inaccurate statistic), but I find this to be a trade-off for the exceptional quality of our tall-lives. But in all seriousness, this What Not to Wear participant is just another example of a woman unhappy with her body... even women who aren't selfconscious about their weight will find some physical feature to perseverate over. It's exhausting, really.
I also find my constant preaching about women and "our" issues quite exhausting (as I'm sure y'all do). I've realized that in my women's rights "crusade" I've neglected the issues and injustices relating to other groups of people and particularly men. Many issues aren't really specific to men or women... last Pledge I said that men don't perseverate over the weight thing like women. What I should have said is that men aren't likely to do so as frequently. But how can I actually know such a thing? When it comes to weight and body image, sure, men aren't likely to talk about such things. Struggling with weight, perhaps like being a victim of sexual assault (on a much different, yet somehow similar level), is largely considered a "female thing." While men suffer from similar matters, they're proably too ashamed to talk about their experiences. Men are taught that to struggle with and even talk about such matters is emasculating. While men may may struggle with weight and body dysmorphia less frequently than women, it seems especially difficult as they feel they can't talk about it. Not that it's an easy thing for women to talk about, but at least our femininity isn't put into question.
In an effort to quit preaching in circles, let's talk about the exceptional men in my life! Just as I constantly ramble about women's issues and ignore how these same matters might affect men, I often praise the strong women in my life and fail to salute the inspiring men around me. So here's to my gay-boyfriends! You know who you are, and I hope you also know how much I appreciate your love, support and thoughtfulness. And let us not forget the exceptional straight men in my life... here's to those of you who remind me that you're not all bad. And a very special shout-out to my father -- a man who at one time lived with four very strong women and ultimately helped raise three independent daughters.
You're probably wondering when I started taking myself and this damn blog so seriously... maybe now that I'm no longer eating like a 12-year-old (spaghetti, pizza-bagels, PB&Js, mac n' cheese, etc.) I'm acting less like one. Hahaha not likely! Speaking of my inner child, she's curious about the meaning of some Christmas carols. Let's talk "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause." Is Santa in this song actually the kid's dad?! And has every body always known this?! I sure as hell haven't. How about "Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer"... Grandpa clearly killed grandma and is trying to blame Santa, right?! "You can say there's no such thing as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa we believe!"
Well, here's hoping my weekend trip to the 715 will get me in the Christmas spirit! I can only imagine the goodies that await me... peanut butter blosoms, carmel puff corn, almond-bark pretzels, and so on and so on. Here's to that 15% of us who won't put on any holiday pounds!
While World AIDS Day was observed over two weeks ago (December 1st), I would like to pay my belated respects in quoting the late Ryan White. White, having been expelled from his middle school because of his infection, was somewhat of an American poster child for HIV/AIDS in the 80s. While White was only given six months to live, he lived five years longer than anticipated. White is also the first male I have chosen to conclude The Pledge of Glory.
"AIDS can destroy a family if you let it, but luckily for my sister and me, Mom taught us to keep going. Don't give up, be proud of who you are and never feel sorry for yourself." -- Ryan White
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Accepting the Unaccepting -- Uff' da
I honestly don't know if I should blog today... I'm feeling sentimental, philosophical and all together quite preachy. Nevertheless, I'm feeling inspired...
A friend of mine, who's coincidentally named Christian, shared the following link to a blog post by "Single Dad Laughing" titled "I'm Christian, unless you're gay" (oddly enough, Christian knows I'm gay and yet he's always referred to himself as such... oh that's rich!). I couldn't sleep this morning, so I thought I'd give it a quick read. Well, there was nothing quick about it, but I'm nevertheless pleased to have read it. If you, too, are having trouble sleeping or perhaps just don't want to study, I encourage you to click the link below and read this (at the very least) thought-provoking blog post.
http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html
If you chose not to spend 15 minutes reading a message that could've been summed up in 5, I'll give you an even more brief synopsis. In this blog entry, Dan Pearce discusses the exclusivity of Christianity and the failure by some of its more rigid, conservative followers to essentially "love thy neighbor" ... particularly if this neighbor is gay, an alcoholic or "different" in some other way. While I'm not crazy about "gayness" being likened to diseases such as alcoholism (my sister was once told being gay is the equivalent to being an alcoholic... that one must resist the tempation for same sex relations, like an alcoholic must avoid the drink), I appreciate the message Pearce is trying to relay -- in order to feel better about themselves, humans who feel inadequate hate and dehumanize those who are different or "sinful." He essentially asks, "Why can't we all just love and get along?"
I, however, find myself asking, "When will we stop referring to my lifestyle as 'alternative' and debating whether it's 'right' or 'wrong'?" I'm confident that day will come, and perhaps even in my lifetime. Until then, I continue my daily struggle to not just tolerate, but accept the unaccepting. Lady Gaga is far better about this (perhaps what I admire most in her), as I can't even sit through an Eminem song without purging. But, I don't think I should have to subject myself to that sort of verbal abuse in order to "accept" Mr. Mathers.
Conan O'Brien joked last night that America can't afford transitions... With that being said, I'm now going to very choppily jump to an overview of my Thanksgiving festivities. I spent the holiday at home in Whitehall with my mom's family. We were missing both sister Kassie and cousin Erik, as well as everyone's favorite uncle Kenny... nevertheless, those of us who were present had an amazing time. I often refer to the "Tjoflats" as a big group of large, beautiful people. I'm happy to report, however, that these large people seem to be making their health a major priority. Sure, we all ate ourselves into a state of turkey-drunkenness, but many of my relatives have recently shed some excess weight. I'll use my cousins Hannah and Evalyn as examples. They signed onto The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge and lost 15 and 16lbs respectiviely! So proud of these long and increasingly lean, beautiful women!
I'm also happy to report GAGA was quite the fixture in this year's festivities. After finally sobering up a bit from our turkey-drunkeness, everyone (except "the men") sat down and watched A Very GAGA Thanksgiving. It was awesomely cheesey and hilarious, but there were also some very touching moments and song selections. If you didn't catch it, I would at least advise you to youtube her performances of Hair, Bad Romance or The (pl)Edge of Glory. I'm just so happy to live in a world where Lady Gaga has her own Thanksgiving special, and it's one my family wants to watch with me! But the highlight of my Thanksgiving likely came on black friday. That morning, rather than migrate to the nearest mall, I cranked the GAGA and held an outdoor, family GAGAerobics session! To watch my sister Liz, aunt Mary and cousins Hannah and Evie follow my lead and GAGAcise in sync was somewhat of a dream come true! It was honestly so much fun!!! I'd love to show you the video my mother took, but we're having trouble uploading it... that, and Ellen may or may not have filmed it upside-down!
uote from a man (I'm now doing everything in my power to resist including a sexist remark about the inferiority of the male psyche). As for my quote, I've been thinking a lot lately about how surprisingly often I discuss the issue of weight with even the most exceptional of women... sadly enough, strong women seem just as plagued by body image issues as the next. As are the thinnest and most fit... it seems, unfortunately, women are taught never to be satisfied with their figures. I'm not saying we shouldn't discuss our weight with one another... I'm merely saying we shouldn't obsess over such issues and have unrealistic expectations for our bodies. On the other hand, we shouldn't make excuses for one another. Ultimately, we must encourage one another to live healthier lifestyles without preaching or conversely beating the dead, "I wish I were skinnier" horse. I warned you earlier about my "preachy" mentality today...
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
A friend of mine, who's coincidentally named Christian, shared the following link to a blog post by "Single Dad Laughing" titled "I'm Christian, unless you're gay" (oddly enough, Christian knows I'm gay and yet he's always referred to himself as such... oh that's rich!). I couldn't sleep this morning, so I thought I'd give it a quick read. Well, there was nothing quick about it, but I'm nevertheless pleased to have read it. If you, too, are having trouble sleeping or perhaps just don't want to study, I encourage you to click the link below and read this (at the very least) thought-provoking blog post.
http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html
If you chose not to spend 15 minutes reading a message that could've been summed up in 5, I'll give you an even more brief synopsis. In this blog entry, Dan Pearce discusses the exclusivity of Christianity and the failure by some of its more rigid, conservative followers to essentially "love thy neighbor" ... particularly if this neighbor is gay, an alcoholic or "different" in some other way. While I'm not crazy about "gayness" being likened to diseases such as alcoholism (my sister was once told being gay is the equivalent to being an alcoholic... that one must resist the tempation for same sex relations, like an alcoholic must avoid the drink), I appreciate the message Pearce is trying to relay -- in order to feel better about themselves, humans who feel inadequate hate and dehumanize those who are different or "sinful." He essentially asks, "Why can't we all just love and get along?"
I, however, find myself asking, "When will we stop referring to my lifestyle as 'alternative' and debating whether it's 'right' or 'wrong'?" I'm confident that day will come, and perhaps even in my lifetime. Until then, I continue my daily struggle to not just tolerate, but accept the unaccepting. Lady Gaga is far better about this (perhaps what I admire most in her), as I can't even sit through an Eminem song without purging. But, I don't think I should have to subject myself to that sort of verbal abuse in order to "accept" Mr. Mathers.
Conan O'Brien joked last night that America can't afford transitions... With that being said, I'm now going to very choppily jump to an overview of my Thanksgiving festivities. I spent the holiday at home in Whitehall with my mom's family. We were missing both sister Kassie and cousin Erik, as well as everyone's favorite uncle Kenny... nevertheless, those of us who were present had an amazing time. I often refer to the "Tjoflats" as a big group of large, beautiful people. I'm happy to report, however, that these large people seem to be making their health a major priority. Sure, we all ate ourselves into a state of turkey-drunkenness, but many of my relatives have recently shed some excess weight. I'll use my cousins Hannah and Evalyn as examples. They signed onto The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge and lost 15 and 16lbs respectiviely! So proud of these long and increasingly lean, beautiful women!
I'm also happy to report GAGA was quite the fixture in this year's festivities. After finally sobering up a bit from our turkey-drunkeness, everyone (except "the men") sat down and watched A Very GAGA Thanksgiving. It was awesomely cheesey and hilarious, but there were also some very touching moments and song selections. If you didn't catch it, I would at least advise you to youtube her performances of Hair, Bad Romance or The (pl)Edge of Glory. I'm just so happy to live in a world where Lady Gaga has her own Thanksgiving special, and it's one my family wants to watch with me! But the highlight of my Thanksgiving likely came on black friday. That morning, rather than migrate to the nearest mall, I cranked the GAGA and held an outdoor, family GAGAerobics session! To watch my sister Liz, aunt Mary and cousins Hannah and Evie follow my lead and GAGAcise in sync was somewhat of a dream come true! It was honestly so much fun!!! I'd love to show you the video my mother took, but we're having trouble uploading it... that, and Ellen may or may not have filmed it upside-down!
uote from a man (I'm now doing everything in my power to resist including a sexist remark about the inferiority of the male psyche). As for my quote, I've been thinking a lot lately about how surprisingly often I discuss the issue of weight with even the most exceptional of women... sadly enough, strong women seem just as plagued by body image issues as the next. As are the thinnest and most fit... it seems, unfortunately, women are taught never to be satisfied with their figures. I'm not saying we shouldn't discuss our weight with one another... I'm merely saying we shouldn't obsess over such issues and have unrealistic expectations for our bodies. On the other hand, we shouldn't make excuses for one another. Ultimately, we must encourage one another to live healthier lifestyles without preaching or conversely beating the dead, "I wish I were skinnier" horse. I warned you earlier about my "preachy" mentality today...
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
Monday, November 21, 2011
Fat-Jackie may have won the battle, but skinny-me will win the war!
It's been pert' near three weeks since I last posted... unfortunately, my failure to blog is representative of my lack luster dieting efforts. It's far easier to eat that slice of pizza when you're not preaching to everyone about how you're trying to lose weight! GAGA almighty, I guess I'm that chick that needs everyone watching me, checking up on me in order to accomplish a 40lb feat of this sort. It's funny, though, that I sometimes find myself put off by the fact that people try to keep me in check... I'm annoyed when I hear things like, "Aren't you on a diet?", "GAGAcise lately?" or "Is that fourth drink really necessary?". In reality, I have all but begged for this sort of attention. By proclaiming my intentions and shouting my progress (or lack there of) out loud, I am absolutely setting myself up for critique, advice and even badgering. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful... I'm actually incredibly thankful for those of you keeping me accountable. Would I be as succesful without feeling the need to prove myself to so many?! Absolutely not. As much as this health revolution is a personal voyage, keeping this blog is the ulitmate act of accountability. When you read, I feel pressure to stay on track. For this, I thank you. And while I may seem irked by your "surveillance" or advice, I thank you for that too. Lecture me, question me, scold me all you want... after all, I'm asking for it! But I should warn you, doing so at certain times of the month could be hazardous to your health...
I've officially been "asking for it" for about three and a half months now. In fact, the Pledge of Glory celebrated it's three month anniversary on November 8th. In these three months, I've varied from incredibly well behaved to equally as ill behaved. Maybe it's the late-night, unnecessary Qdoba "fourth meal" talking, but sometimes I feel there have been as many days ruled by fat-Jackie as there have been those dictated by healthy-me. But, now 21.4lbs lighter (down from 221.6 to 200.2), I think healthy-me is in fact winning the war. I met a man recently who put on about 100lbs after he quit playing football for UW. He has since gone from that hefty 350lbs to a healthy, juiced 250 (we'll call this former Badger "Joe")... he told me that he and his former fat-self struggle daily. While healthy Joe insists upon eating a veggie fajita, the fat Joe of yesteryear is inside longing for a double cheeseburger. I've been unhealthy virutally my entire life... at least as long as I've been old enough to make my own diet decisions. Like Joe, I cannot expect to completely transform into healthy-Jackie without occassionally hearing from (and giving into) fat-Jackie. She lives within... and always will.
Anyway, I thought after three months I ought to post some updated semi-nude photos. Like I said before, I'm down roughly 21.4lbs. With that being said, I'd like to think the new photos are a little easier on the eyes. See for yourself...
At 221.6lbs. Buzz's girlfriend... woof.
The Pledge of (221.6lb) Glory.
Looking slightly more glorious
(and hopefully a little less flabulous) at 200.2 lbs.
Is it me or is my back-fat frowning?!
20lbs later, my back-fat is looking less "unhappy" --
my proudest Pledge accomplisment yet!
Sure enough, this Thursday is Thanksgiving!!! I'm planning to do a mini-fast of sorts these next three days so I can enjoy this glutonous holiday in (semi) good conscience. It's not like I can really eat that much anyway. Seriously, if I eat too much these days I feel drunk... honest to GAGA. At work the other day I ate two helpings of grilled squash burried in a delcious red sauce. I was all buzzed upon returning from break, and I told my friend Tony I got "squash wasted." To which he said, "Dude, you got squashed!" I got "squashed" again at work yesterday, as we had a pre-Thanksgiving feast of sorts. This involved me eating far too much turkey, stuffing and frozen veggie medley. When I returned from break, my co-workers wanted to know why I was all red in the face. Once again, I was food wasted. Such an odd sensation!
Well, I suppose I should address The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge. For me, getting under 200lbs means meeting this challenge. Last time I checked, I was 200.2... and this was after a night of drinking and a few days of bad eating. So, I would like to think that I'll indeed be under 200lbs come Thursday. Now, after Thursday is another story! Despite the Pledge of Glory, I will be enjoying Thanksgiving the only way I know how...
As for the other Hauser sisters... well, I just spoke with Liz yesterday and it seems she's shed about 7lbs in the last month or so! I know how hard losing 7lbs can be, so I'm incredibly proud of her progress!!! This feat is especially impressive as she devotes much time and energy to her under-paid and under-appreciated profession of teaching (recall Walker!). I haven't had a chance to ask Kassie about her Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge efforts, but I'm sure she's made great progress as well. And even if she hasn't, I'm extremely proud of her most recent accomplishment. On her 26th birthday, Kassie presented her thesis topic to a panel of advisors who were to decide whether she should proceed with this particular topic. After giving a 10 minute presentation, the panel interrogated her for almost 90 minutes. They then deliberated for just 10 minutes before officially approving her topic. While her specific subject is failing me, I do know it involves Alaska and climate change. Nevertheless, Kassie said the whole ordeal was one of the most difficult things she's had to do. I was lucky enough to talk to her almost immediately after, and it was pretty clear this was also one of the most satisfying moments of her life.
Here's hoping y'all are anticipating Thanksgiving festivities even half as fantastic as mine! And here's to my mother and fabulous aunts who each year prepare an insane feast for 20+ food-loving Tjoflat giants! Erik and Kassie, you will be sorely missed at this year's gathering... but at least we won't have to serve Tofurkey again! Nor lie to you about the green bean casserole being made with cream of mushroom soup (pretty sure we've always made it with cream of chicken anyway).
"The cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience." -- Naomi Wolf
Upon reading this quote, I question whether my health revolution truly is a journey of personal improvement or merely an effort to conform to the absurb physical expecations of our media-infected society. But who am I kidding?! Even if I get down to my desired weight of 180lbs, I'll still be far from ideal by our culture's standards. Being 6 feet tall and "big-boned," I guess I'm forever disobedient. But in passing this quote along to me, my wise friend Paul noted, "A little disobedience is a good thing, don't you think?"
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
I've officially been "asking for it" for about three and a half months now. In fact, the Pledge of Glory celebrated it's three month anniversary on November 8th. In these three months, I've varied from incredibly well behaved to equally as ill behaved. Maybe it's the late-night, unnecessary Qdoba "fourth meal" talking, but sometimes I feel there have been as many days ruled by fat-Jackie as there have been those dictated by healthy-me. But, now 21.4lbs lighter (down from 221.6 to 200.2), I think healthy-me is in fact winning the war. I met a man recently who put on about 100lbs after he quit playing football for UW. He has since gone from that hefty 350lbs to a healthy, juiced 250 (we'll call this former Badger "Joe")... he told me that he and his former fat-self struggle daily. While healthy Joe insists upon eating a veggie fajita, the fat Joe of yesteryear is inside longing for a double cheeseburger. I've been unhealthy virutally my entire life... at least as long as I've been old enough to make my own diet decisions. Like Joe, I cannot expect to completely transform into healthy-Jackie without occassionally hearing from (and giving into) fat-Jackie. She lives within... and always will.
Anyway, I thought after three months I ought to post some updated semi-nude photos. Like I said before, I'm down roughly 21.4lbs. With that being said, I'd like to think the new photos are a little easier on the eyes. See for yourself...
My Christmas gift to y'all! Haha. Looking thinner
through the shoulders and chest, perhaps?
Legs as comically skinny as ever!
(and hopefully a little less flabulous) at 200.2 lbs.
my proudest Pledge accomplisment yet!
Sure enough, this Thursday is Thanksgiving!!! I'm planning to do a mini-fast of sorts these next three days so I can enjoy this glutonous holiday in (semi) good conscience. It's not like I can really eat that much anyway. Seriously, if I eat too much these days I feel drunk... honest to GAGA. At work the other day I ate two helpings of grilled squash burried in a delcious red sauce. I was all buzzed upon returning from break, and I told my friend Tony I got "squash wasted." To which he said, "Dude, you got squashed!" I got "squashed" again at work yesterday, as we had a pre-Thanksgiving feast of sorts. This involved me eating far too much turkey, stuffing and frozen veggie medley. When I returned from break, my co-workers wanted to know why I was all red in the face. Once again, I was food wasted. Such an odd sensation!
Well, I suppose I should address The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge. For me, getting under 200lbs means meeting this challenge. Last time I checked, I was 200.2... and this was after a night of drinking and a few days of bad eating. So, I would like to think that I'll indeed be under 200lbs come Thursday. Now, after Thursday is another story! Despite the Pledge of Glory, I will be enjoying Thanksgiving the only way I know how...
As for the other Hauser sisters... well, I just spoke with Liz yesterday and it seems she's shed about 7lbs in the last month or so! I know how hard losing 7lbs can be, so I'm incredibly proud of her progress!!! This feat is especially impressive as she devotes much time and energy to her under-paid and under-appreciated profession of teaching (recall Walker!). I haven't had a chance to ask Kassie about her Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge efforts, but I'm sure she's made great progress as well. And even if she hasn't, I'm extremely proud of her most recent accomplishment. On her 26th birthday, Kassie presented her thesis topic to a panel of advisors who were to decide whether she should proceed with this particular topic. After giving a 10 minute presentation, the panel interrogated her for almost 90 minutes. They then deliberated for just 10 minutes before officially approving her topic. While her specific subject is failing me, I do know it involves Alaska and climate change. Nevertheless, Kassie said the whole ordeal was one of the most difficult things she's had to do. I was lucky enough to talk to her almost immediately after, and it was pretty clear this was also one of the most satisfying moments of her life.
Here's hoping y'all are anticipating Thanksgiving festivities even half as fantastic as mine! And here's to my mother and fabulous aunts who each year prepare an insane feast for 20+ food-loving Tjoflat giants! Erik and Kassie, you will be sorely missed at this year's gathering... but at least we won't have to serve Tofurkey again! Nor lie to you about the green bean casserole being made with cream of mushroom soup (pretty sure we've always made it with cream of chicken anyway).
"The cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience." -- Naomi Wolf
Upon reading this quote, I question whether my health revolution truly is a journey of personal improvement or merely an effort to conform to the absurb physical expecations of our media-infected society. But who am I kidding?! Even if I get down to my desired weight of 180lbs, I'll still be far from ideal by our culture's standards. Being 6 feet tall and "big-boned," I guess I'm forever disobedient. But in passing this quote along to me, my wise friend Paul noted, "A little disobedience is a good thing, don't you think?"
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Justice Under Gaga
For those of you who don't know, Lady Gaga is an Italian-American. And like many Italian-Americans, GAGA was raised Catholic. Maybe her donning a red nun's habit and "eating" a rosary speaks for itself, but she no longer considers herself a member of the Catholic community... She's not too keen on the Church's demonization of homosexuals. Anyway, I'm not trying to spur any political debates here. I just thought I'd share a lil' story about another one of my favorite Catholic Italian-Americans. For Pledge of Glory purposes, we'll call her "Becks."
Becks is a good friend I studied abroad with in Italy. Every Monday, we'd practice our Italian over some wine... we liked to think our Italian was great when "under the influence." More often than not, however, she'd end up telling me hilarious stories about her Catholic high school. Much of the hilarity is currently escaping me, but I will never forget how this all-girls school referred to detentions -- JUG's -- standing for "justice under God." Lord Almighty, even Sister Mary Elizabeth can appreciate the comical irony in that acronym!
Anyway, enough about those funny Catholics... What I really want to blog about today is my ferocious GAGAween costume!!! My head is slowly shrinking to it's normal size, but after a weekend full of compliments I'm still riding my GAGA-high. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the leaner physique, or maybe it was my insane makeup and costuming (compliments of Morgan Boland)... whatever it was, I was feeling (and looking, in my opinion) quite "savagely fierce" (as dictionary.com defines 'ferocious'). At work Sunday, I was literally showing a picture of Jackie Gaga to anyone I deemed remotely interested (guest or co-worker). But decide for yourselves, do I make a hot Gaga or what?!
Lookin' like GAGA's 6ft twin... maybe better, if you ask
Becks is a good friend I studied abroad with in Italy. Every Monday, we'd practice our Italian over some wine... we liked to think our Italian was great when "under the influence." More often than not, however, she'd end up telling me hilarious stories about her Catholic high school. Much of the hilarity is currently escaping me, but I will never forget how this all-girls school referred to detentions -- JUG's -- standing for "justice under God." Lord Almighty, even Sister Mary Elizabeth can appreciate the comical irony in that acronym!
Anyway, enough about those funny Catholics... What I really want to blog about today is my ferocious GAGAween costume!!! My head is slowly shrinking to it's normal size, but after a weekend full of compliments I'm still riding my GAGA-high. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the leaner physique, or maybe it was my insane makeup and costuming (compliments of Morgan Boland)... whatever it was, I was feeling (and looking, in my opinion) quite "savagely fierce" (as dictionary.com defines 'ferocious'). At work Sunday, I was literally showing a picture of Jackie Gaga to anyone I deemed remotely interested (guest or co-worker). But decide for yourselves, do I make a hot Gaga or what?!
the Colombian man hitting on me at Club 5 (yet
another gay bay where I pick up men...
surpisingly Enrique was straight).
As fellow GAGAweener AJ Blanchet said,
"Makin' our mamas proud!"
You might not know it looking at this ferocious picture, but
I've had far too much wine at this point... Like GAGA, neither
drunkenness nor brain-eating zombies will spoil my photo.
I'd like to think GAGAerobics has served me well!
After last week's very "woe is me" entry, I'm here to report that all is well in the land of The Pledge of Glory! I'm also here to demand that you never weigh yourself during your period!!! Last week I was all pissy about the fact that I was weighing in at 208.6 (heck, I'd been between 206 and 210lbs the entire month of October). But what do you know... I weighed myself just days later (after my period) and poof! I was magically about 6 lbs lighter! And I'm proud to announce that at some point this week, for the first time since likely 8th grade, the scale read less than 200lbs!!! Even after a long weekend of GAGAween celebrating and neglecting just about every Pledge of Glory "rule," I'm still roughly 202.6lbs. If y'all remember my initial weigh in, I began this journey at 221.6lbs... that brings me to a grand total of 19lbs shed!!! I'm virtually over the moon with excitment! And it seems I will get my professional haircut after all... I promised myself that as a reward for getting under 200lbs and meeting the The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge!!!
Here's hoping you felt as good in your Halloween costumes as I did! I can't wait for the slightest excuse to get back into my GAGA-gear!
“I want women -- and men -- to feel empowered by a deeper and more psychotic part of themselves. The part they're always trying desperately to hide. I want that to become something they cherish.”
-- Lady Gaga
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
Monday, October 24, 2011
'Tis hard to teach a fat dog healthy tricks.
I went rollerblading last week in the beautiful farm country that surrounds Madison. On this oh-so-crisp fall day, I got on the amazingly smooth path and flew. I thought I was blading so fast because of my newly rotated wheels, but I found out 30 minutes later it was definitely the gusty wind at my back. When I turned around to head back, I could hardly move. Standing 6'4" on blades and weighing roughly 208.6 lbs (where has all the progress gone?!), I may be the least aerodynamic woman in the world. Rollerblading in the wind felt nearly impossible. At one point I was so exhausted I just turned around and let the wind push me... the powerful gusts would've pushed me as far as I wanted to go, but I soon did an about-face after deciding I'd just have further windy blading to go upon turning around.
As I slowly bladed home, I realized how much blading in the wind is like my Pledge of Glory efforts. When I first began the Pledge, I was incredibly well behaved (in terms of my diet) and totally on board (in terms of my work out routine). The results were desirable and came on quickly. Much like rollerblading with the wind at your back, The Pledge of Glory was fun and even enjoyable. But the wind won't always be at your back, and you'll eventually have to turn around.
The week following the 2 month anniversary of the Pledge of Glory (Oct. 9-16) was that turn-around point for me. For whatever reason, I let myself drink (and not in moderation) three times at the beginning of that week. And every night I got a little buzzed, I deemed it necessary to also stuff myself with late-night, slightly drunken food.... three nights in a row. By Thursday of that week, The Pledge of Glory had gotten so difficult for me I decided to take a break from it all together. Knowing that everybody and my sister (literally) would be coming to Madison to take part in copious eating and drinking that coming weekend, I decided it was as good a time as any to take a Pledge-vacation. I was completely exhausted from rollerblading into the wind, so I decided to turn around and let the gusts push me. And lord, can it be fun to let the wind take you!
But like I said earlier, when the wind's at your back and your just coasting along, you'll eventually come to your senses.... at some point you'll realize that the further you let the wind take you, the further you'll have to blade into it upon turning around. You have to get home eventually, so the sooner you turn around the better. For the Pledge of Glory, "home" is my 40 lb goal. I have to get there eventually, so what's the sense in letting the wind take me further in the wrong direction?
So while the Pledge-vaction was fun and much needed, when Monday, October 17th came along I was ready to hop back on the GAGA-wagon. It was like I was starting the Pledge all over again... I still feel incredibly back on board and so re-commited. My eating habits are back on track, and the exercise portion of the Pledge is as consistent as it's ever been. With my Pledge-vacation I'd even taken a break from blogging, but I'm now back with a vengeance! Once you woman-up and decide to face the wind, you will get some of that momentum back.
I have been between 206 and 210 pounds since the beginning of October. After getting fed up with rollerblading into the wind, I'm back at it. I haven't forgotten about The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge, and I'm still convinced I can get under 200 by that glorious holiday. Perhaps it's a steap goal, but I'm shooting for the stars and hoping to at least land among them. When I get discouraged (and I do... especially when the scale read 208.6lbs yesterday), I remember how good I feel about my increasingly svelte self. In fact, I went shopping last night with my friend Morgan and had a blast. Morgan now works at the Buckle, of all places, and I let her bring me pair of jeans, after pair of jeans, after pair of jeans. Prior to this little shopping excursion, I was convinced that store had nothing for people my size. But they do, and a once tyring and painful experience was no longer such an emotional process. Here's to hitting a plateau and still feeling good about the Pledge!
And here's hoping I'll be able to get into bars in my Judas inspired GAGA-ween costume! I'll literally be wearing boy-short panties over my fishnets... so hopefully this is viewed as "appropriate" attire. I mean, GAGA goes everywhere pant-less. Why can't I?!
"I say if you got it, flaunt it. You gotta show off that bunt cake!" -- a cow from one of those California milk commercials I hate so much... nevertheless, some very wise words!
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
As I slowly bladed home, I realized how much blading in the wind is like my Pledge of Glory efforts. When I first began the Pledge, I was incredibly well behaved (in terms of my diet) and totally on board (in terms of my work out routine). The results were desirable and came on quickly. Much like rollerblading with the wind at your back, The Pledge of Glory was fun and even enjoyable. But the wind won't always be at your back, and you'll eventually have to turn around.
The week following the 2 month anniversary of the Pledge of Glory (Oct. 9-16) was that turn-around point for me. For whatever reason, I let myself drink (and not in moderation) three times at the beginning of that week. And every night I got a little buzzed, I deemed it necessary to also stuff myself with late-night, slightly drunken food.... three nights in a row. By Thursday of that week, The Pledge of Glory had gotten so difficult for me I decided to take a break from it all together. Knowing that everybody and my sister (literally) would be coming to Madison to take part in copious eating and drinking that coming weekend, I decided it was as good a time as any to take a Pledge-vacation. I was completely exhausted from rollerblading into the wind, so I decided to turn around and let the gusts push me. And lord, can it be fun to let the wind take you!
But like I said earlier, when the wind's at your back and your just coasting along, you'll eventually come to your senses.... at some point you'll realize that the further you let the wind take you, the further you'll have to blade into it upon turning around. You have to get home eventually, so the sooner you turn around the better. For the Pledge of Glory, "home" is my 40 lb goal. I have to get there eventually, so what's the sense in letting the wind take me further in the wrong direction?
So while the Pledge-vaction was fun and much needed, when Monday, October 17th came along I was ready to hop back on the GAGA-wagon. It was like I was starting the Pledge all over again... I still feel incredibly back on board and so re-commited. My eating habits are back on track, and the exercise portion of the Pledge is as consistent as it's ever been. With my Pledge-vacation I'd even taken a break from blogging, but I'm now back with a vengeance! Once you woman-up and decide to face the wind, you will get some of that momentum back.
I have been between 206 and 210 pounds since the beginning of October. After getting fed up with rollerblading into the wind, I'm back at it. I haven't forgotten about The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge, and I'm still convinced I can get under 200 by that glorious holiday. Perhaps it's a steap goal, but I'm shooting for the stars and hoping to at least land among them. When I get discouraged (and I do... especially when the scale read 208.6lbs yesterday), I remember how good I feel about my increasingly svelte self. In fact, I went shopping last night with my friend Morgan and had a blast. Morgan now works at the Buckle, of all places, and I let her bring me pair of jeans, after pair of jeans, after pair of jeans. Prior to this little shopping excursion, I was convinced that store had nothing for people my size. But they do, and a once tyring and painful experience was no longer such an emotional process. Here's to hitting a plateau and still feeling good about the Pledge!
And here's hoping I'll be able to get into bars in my Judas inspired GAGA-ween costume! I'll literally be wearing boy-short panties over my fishnets... so hopefully this is viewed as "appropriate" attire. I mean, GAGA goes everywhere pant-less. Why can't I?!
"I say if you got it, flaunt it. You gotta show off that bunt cake!" -- a cow from one of those California milk commercials I hate so much... nevertheless, some very wise words!
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
And so, we celebrate.
Yes, I am celebrating many things this week. First and foremost, I celebrated my first National Coming Out Day as an openly gay woman. Here's to the amazing people in my life who love me just as much as ever... many of whom pretended to act surprised when I came out to them, and others who responded with a "Well, duh." or "It's about time." Whatever your reaction, I thank each and every one of you for your loving support. While this is slightly overdue (both my coming out and the matter I'm about to address), I continue to celebrate the engagement of my sister Kassie and her beloved Sasha. No, she's not marrying a drag queen... Sasha is allegedly the Russian equivalent of the name Alexander. Here's to their highly anticipated hippie wedding! And Sasha, we're so pleased to welcome someone like you, who makes Kassie so very happy, into our family. And last, but certainly not least, I'm celebrating the two month anniversary of The Pledge of Glory!!! These two months of (relatively) healthy eating and GAGAcising have truly paid off... roughly 60 days ago I weighed in at a whopping 221.6 lbs. The last time I stepped on a scale, however, I'm proud to say it read 206.3 lbs! That's a total of 15.3 lbs shed!!! I can't tell you how good it feels to finally button that pair of jeans I haven't worn since high school and to have my work pants literally falling off my ass. And hey, not suffering through bi-daily diarrhea episodes is pretty damn nice too.
I think I'll take this joyous moment, this the day after National Coming Out Day, to tell my coming out story. Again, I refer to my official coming out as the day I told my parents. Who knows, if it weren't for The Rainbow Air Purifying and Vacuum System I may still be a closeted lesbo.
It all began the last weekend in June. I had just been hired to sell The Rainbow, and my boss had given me $50 to drive home and practice the" informercial" on those I love and feel most comfortable around. This also happened to be the weekend of Minneapolis Pride, so I had every intention of killing two birds with one stone (note, no birds were actually harmed in my coming out process). I sat my mother down and began giving her the little spiel. Things were going releatively smoothly, until I began getting calls and texts from my beloved cousin Erik and my dear friend Monique... you see, I was planning to go to Pride with Erik on either Friday or Saturday and spend time with Monique and our friend Shane the other night. But I was freaking out about which day would be better for which, and my mother just couldn't understand my predicament. I mean, she knew I was going to Minneapolis to visit Cousin Erik, but she had no idea we'd be partaking in the Pride festivities. And that's exactly why I was freaking out...I was so concerned about concealing the actual reason I was going to Minneapolis and ultimately concealing my sexual identity. So I said to myself, "Jackie, just come out with it. Be honest with your mother."
So I abruptly stopped The Rainbow presentation to come out to my mother, saying, "Ok, Mom. I have something more important to tell you. I don't exactly identify as a lesbian... I consider myself a bisexual. Well, let me put it this way. On a scale from 1, being very straight, to 6, being very gay, I'm a 4.85." To which she responded, "Oh my word, Jackie." I've decided this was her way of pretending to be surprised... after all, I dreamt of being the first female NFL player as a child. Anyway, we talked the matter over for a few minutes and my dad finally walked in on the conversation. I said, "Dad, did you hear what we're talking about?" He said no. "Well, I just told Mom I'm gay or bi or whatever." He literally chuckled and hugged me. It wasn't until this moment that I got upset... I just felt like he didn't take such a monumental announcement very seriously. But my mother explained his reaction was merely nervous laughter, and all was well. Leave it to Mom to make this delicate situation comical... she ended the conversation saying, "You know, they say when you have daughters that sons will come later... maybe not!" I guess the whole ordeal was already pretty comical... after all, I came out to my parents when trying to sell them a $2,000 Rainbow vacuum.
Here's hoping The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge will go a little better from here on out... I haven't exactly upped my game since signing on to this mini-pledge, and dropping 10 lbs by Thanksgiving is not gonna be easy! But, it's a new day and a new opportunity to kick some Pledge of Glory ass!
"Gay people are only as cool as their rebelious straight middle sisters." -- the newly engaged Kassie Hauser
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
I think I'll take this joyous moment, this the day after National Coming Out Day, to tell my coming out story. Again, I refer to my official coming out as the day I told my parents. Who knows, if it weren't for The Rainbow Air Purifying and Vacuum System I may still be a closeted lesbo.
It all began the last weekend in June. I had just been hired to sell The Rainbow, and my boss had given me $50 to drive home and practice the" informercial" on those I love and feel most comfortable around. This also happened to be the weekend of Minneapolis Pride, so I had every intention of killing two birds with one stone (note, no birds were actually harmed in my coming out process). I sat my mother down and began giving her the little spiel. Things were going releatively smoothly, until I began getting calls and texts from my beloved cousin Erik and my dear friend Monique... you see, I was planning to go to Pride with Erik on either Friday or Saturday and spend time with Monique and our friend Shane the other night. But I was freaking out about which day would be better for which, and my mother just couldn't understand my predicament. I mean, she knew I was going to Minneapolis to visit Cousin Erik, but she had no idea we'd be partaking in the Pride festivities. And that's exactly why I was freaking out...I was so concerned about concealing the actual reason I was going to Minneapolis and ultimately concealing my sexual identity. So I said to myself, "Jackie, just come out with it. Be honest with your mother."
So I abruptly stopped The Rainbow presentation to come out to my mother, saying, "Ok, Mom. I have something more important to tell you. I don't exactly identify as a lesbian... I consider myself a bisexual. Well, let me put it this way. On a scale from 1, being very straight, to 6, being very gay, I'm a 4.85." To which she responded, "Oh my word, Jackie." I've decided this was her way of pretending to be surprised... after all, I dreamt of being the first female NFL player as a child. Anyway, we talked the matter over for a few minutes and my dad finally walked in on the conversation. I said, "Dad, did you hear what we're talking about?" He said no. "Well, I just told Mom I'm gay or bi or whatever." He literally chuckled and hugged me. It wasn't until this moment that I got upset... I just felt like he didn't take such a monumental announcement very seriously. But my mother explained his reaction was merely nervous laughter, and all was well. Leave it to Mom to make this delicate situation comical... she ended the conversation saying, "You know, they say when you have daughters that sons will come later... maybe not!" I guess the whole ordeal was already pretty comical... after all, I came out to my parents when trying to sell them a $2,000 Rainbow vacuum.
Here's hoping The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge will go a little better from here on out... I haven't exactly upped my game since signing on to this mini-pledge, and dropping 10 lbs by Thanksgiving is not gonna be easy! But, it's a new day and a new opportunity to kick some Pledge of Glory ass!
"Gay people are only as cool as their rebelious straight middle sisters." -- the newly engaged Kassie Hauser
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge!
Oh, lord...The Pledge of Glory has been a real challenge lately. Not so much the exercising part, but the whole eating, shall we say, "responsibly" part. This week was supposed to mark the revitalization of The Pledge, but something possesed me to visit Paul Bunyan's Cook Shanty in Wisconsin Dells. And that something, was my dear friend Hillary... she's moving to Florida, so I thought she should have an awesomely cheesey Wisconsin send-off. But unless you aspire to be yet another morbidly obese American, you should probably never go to the Cook Shanty. I didn't know that Paul Bunyan's would serve up an all-you-can-eat, family style breakfast feast of Thanksgiving proportions when I suggested it, but I should've guessed it. Needless to say, I embraced my inner Paula Bunyan and feasted. The only sign of The Pledge was when I cut my homemade doughnut in half... Soon enough, however, I was helping myself to seconds of biscuits and gravy, fried potatoes, sausage links and pancakes that rival even those of Randy's Family Restaurant. But heck, we had a damn good time, and although I walked away perhaps three pounds heavier, I also left the proud owner of a t-shirt that reads "nuthin' like a good s'moregasm."
Speaking of that awesome t-shirt, well, I just couldn't wait to put it on...so I disappeared to the side of the building where I thought I was semi-hidden and could quickly slip it on. Of course, right as I was shirtless, this frickin' 4 year old boy peaked around the corner and got more than he bargained for. He's likely been wondering since why that strange boy was wearing a bra, and I would venture to say he had nigthmares about it last night.
Of all days to visit Paul Bunyan's Gluton Shanty, I chose to do so the day after I signed on to The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge. So what exactly is The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge? Well, The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge is really quite self explanatory. My sisters and I have each pledged to lose 10lbs by Thanksgiving... hense the name, The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge. If my calculations are correct and The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge goes as planned, I'll weigh in at just under 200lbs by that glorious holiday. What a momentus occasion it will be and all thanks to this pledge within a pledge known as The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge! I don't think I've been under 200lbs since those 2 weeks in eigth grade when I was uncharacteristically skinny. Anyway, if you've been looking for a little motivation to lose some weight, why not sign on to The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge yourself?! My new friend and fellow co-worker Melissa is already on board for The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge. Why not you?! Unless, of course, you're already a skinny bitch and have little to no weight to lose... In that case, forego The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge and just try out some GAGAerobics for the hell of it! Speaking of which, I promise to post a GAGAerobics video very soon so y'all can see how it's done (and also laugh at the ridiculocity of it all).
Here's hoping the male hotel guests can keep their composure around me... first they compliment my Danny Zukko hair...then they're calling me "a tall drink of water." Not exactly my target audience, but hey, gotta love the ego-boost. And, of course, here's to The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge!!! I'd love to hear if you plan to take the challenge yourself!
"I am the one who got myself fat, who did all the eating. So I had to take full responsibility for it." -- Kirstie Alley
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
Speaking of that awesome t-shirt, well, I just couldn't wait to put it on...so I disappeared to the side of the building where I thought I was semi-hidden and could quickly slip it on. Of course, right as I was shirtless, this frickin' 4 year old boy peaked around the corner and got more than he bargained for. He's likely been wondering since why that strange boy was wearing a bra, and I would venture to say he had nigthmares about it last night.
Of all days to visit Paul Bunyan's Gluton Shanty, I chose to do so the day after I signed on to The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge. So what exactly is The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge? Well, The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge is really quite self explanatory. My sisters and I have each pledged to lose 10lbs by Thanksgiving... hense the name, The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge. If my calculations are correct and The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge goes as planned, I'll weigh in at just under 200lbs by that glorious holiday. What a momentus occasion it will be and all thanks to this pledge within a pledge known as The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge! I don't think I've been under 200lbs since those 2 weeks in eigth grade when I was uncharacteristically skinny. Anyway, if you've been looking for a little motivation to lose some weight, why not sign on to The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge yourself?! My new friend and fellow co-worker Melissa is already on board for The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge. Why not you?! Unless, of course, you're already a skinny bitch and have little to no weight to lose... In that case, forego The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge and just try out some GAGAerobics for the hell of it! Speaking of which, I promise to post a GAGAerobics video very soon so y'all can see how it's done (and also laugh at the ridiculocity of it all).
Here's hoping the male hotel guests can keep their composure around me... first they compliment my Danny Zukko hair...then they're calling me "a tall drink of water." Not exactly my target audience, but hey, gotta love the ego-boost. And, of course, here's to The Hauser Sister 10lb Thanksgiving Challenge!!! I'd love to hear if you plan to take the challenge yourself!
"I am the one who got myself fat, who did all the eating. So I had to take full responsibility for it." -- Kirstie Alley
Love. Peace. GAGAerobics.
Jackie
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